Report: Tom Cruise Only Person to be Raptured; Scientology Proven as One True Religion

On Wednesday, thousands of people awaiting the Rapture were disappointed to find the Second Coming would be scheduled for another day...or so we thought. The Eggplant has learned that Tom Cruise was reportedly raptured from his Los Angeles home at 3:38 p.m. on Wednesday. Although it was shocking to find the rapture HAD occurred, it was more shocking to learn that Cruise was the only man taken. Cruise’s devoted service to the Church of Scientology is what many link to his successful transcendence. Xenu, ruler of the galaxy for millions of years, was reportedly cited in downtown LA, “realizing there were no reliable Thetan-Souls besides Mr. Cruise” said one devoted Scientologist. Tom Cruise’s rapture has touched the hearts of many Americans, in what many have called “his final self-performed stunt.”  

Despite his appearance in many famous film franchises such as “Mission: Impossible”, Tom Cruise’s fame has always been tainted by one thing: his strange devotion to the church of Scientology. L. Ron Hubbard was the founder of Scientology, believing all human bodies to be vessels of their Thetan soul, and the Earth to be colonized by the galaxy ruler Xenu billions of years ago. Which may sound crazy.  

Watching Tom Cruise float into the sky to finally be reunited with- whatever Scientologists believe to be up there- was truly captivating and brought many witnesses to tears. But it also brought many to confront: Does this mean Scientology is the only correct religion?