We Speedran All of the Oscar Nominations So You Don’t Have To But We Didn’t Have Time So Here Are Our Best Guesses

Nightmare Alley: Bradley Cooper trips absolute balls, convinces himself he’s a silly little trickster man and goes on to gaslight literally everyone he’s ever met. It’s so scary. 

Licorice Pizza: Ewwwww who puts licorice on pizza? I love Haim. Bradley Cooper trips balls again. Vague Hollywood pedophilia. 

CODA:  Call of Duty: Anal

Drive My Car: A car is driven. About a guy who has a car but is under the driving age so he just demands other people drive him to like Chuck E Cheese and shit. The car is a Nissan Cube so that it doesn’t attract any attention. Lit.

Spiderman: No Way Home: This new and exciting 3rd installment of the Tom Holland Spider-Man films fulfills every boy's dreams of “going green goblin mode”. There are three spidermen. But only one wears a butt-pad. 

The Power of the Dog: gay sex is wrong!!! Bettyboop Bandersnatch is in it tho. Men are scary and Kristen Dunst gets white girl wasted. She drinks whiskey. And also dogs are so strong. Leather. Mountains. Cowboy drip. 

Belfast: Musical Irish Roma. Saint Patrick’s Day party. Potatoes. Black and white. Boooorrrringggg. Where’s the action?

King Richard: They had the chance to make a movie about one of the most famous female athletes ever and instead made a movie about her dad. Will Smith GOAT 

West Side Story: A lot of pretty people dancing in pretty clothes with pretty colors and also Ansel Elgort is there (ew). Stephen Spielborg.

Don’t Look Up: Adam McKay is back with a movie. Jennifer Lawrence is also back and Timothee Chalamet is in it. Meryl Streep is in it too. Leonardo DiCaprio is in it. Other people who are in it are Jonah Hill, Cate Blanchett, Ariana Grande, Kid Cudi, and Tyler Perry. Fuck it, maybe we’re in it. Don’t Look Up is about not looking up. WOKE. Wake up, sheep-le!!