The Super Bowl or Just a Quirked Up White Boy Busting it Down Sexual Style?
Two Weeks ago the Bagels and that LA team came together to brawl in the Super Bowl— for the people who are not familiar, it’s the sports show where Lady Gaga performed her iconic music mash-up in 2017. There was something about the 2022 Super Bowl game that felt special. Snoop Dog brought back the nineties and Kanye West showed up in the commercials after making every single unstable person in America feel seen and heard on social media. While each of these made for an interesting day, there was a special third factor that is often overlooked. Usually, the silly commercials and electric halftime shows are what draw in an alternative audience of sports enjoyers. This year, everyone’s bussies were glued to the screen for one reason and one reason only, Joe Burrow. Daddy Burrow is a football player who gives off the most bland, generic energy but also frequently wears 2000s vintage Cartier glasses. His glasses alone turn him from the villain in a 1980’s high school movie to white boy of the month.
“Joe Burrow once asked for a wrist reveal when we were in middle school together, but it’s okay because decades later he is my boyfriend and soon to be husband,” his current fiance shared this romantic memory in a recent Call Her Daddy interview. Tragically, this proves that Joe Burrow is off the market and in a very healthy, happy relationship. Although, who couldn’t help but continue fantasizing and cheering on dream-boat-Joe during the game! Unknown sources have claimed that Joe once saved an old woman from a burning building, donated one of his kidneys to a dying child, and knits tiny sweaters for strays at animal shelters for fun. He is more than just a hot football player, he’s also a really great guy. Sunday proved that nice guys finish last, SMH.
Students came up with their own theories on Joe Burrow’s performance while watching the Super Bowl on their televisions. “That man needs mouth to mouth CPR by me, or he finna die for real” Pre-med major, Jonathan, loadly moaned as Joe Burrow limped his way to the benches for the final five plays. As the night began to come to a close and Cincinnati was seemingly losing, Joe Burrow fans were also losing their mind at having to watch the game when Joe wasn’t even playing in it anymore. “This is exactly how I felt when Fiona Gallager left Shameless, ” one woman screamed over the cheering voices that dominated the testosterone fueled watch party. She was exactly right. How is this football team going to survive now? Clearly they didn’t.
At the end of the day, the most interesting part of the Super Bowl is the halftime show, the commercials, and everytime Joe Burrow is on the screen. After the tragic results of Sunday night, the people just want to make sure that Joe Burrow is okay and that those thousands of dm’s offering him sympathy head would cheer him up. If anything, everyone on the Eggplant staff has personally volunteered to top Joe Burrow.