Communism Strikes Again: M&M’s De-sexualized
It’s no secret: Communism has slowly taken over America. The Cultural Marxists have been waging an ideological war going back to the 60’s. What began as Soviets infiltrating a few influential positions has spiraled into a takeover of American discourse. Even the mainstream media is attacking core American Ideals like exploitative capitalism, police brutality, and hyper-sexualization. Now it seems the Reds have infiltrated the heart of America: processed sugar snacks. Mars, the company that produces M&M’s, has surrendered to the radical left and announced that they will be re-branding their mascots to be more “inclusive.” As part of this campaign, they have attacked America’s masculinity by de-sexualizing their candy mascots and removing their provocative stilettos.
“First Lola Bunny and now this! It’s really infuriating to see Communist horoscope-reading snowflakes go this far,” said Anime Club President and frequent 4chan user Kevin Peeples. “This is all part of the Deep State’s plan to make America weak and un-sexy. I think Tucker Carlson hit the nail on the head when he said ‘…you wouldn't want to have a drink with any one of them [m&m’s]. That's the goal. When you're totally turned off, we've achieved equity. They've won.’ Straight men in America are under attack, which must be why women don’t talk to me and certainly not because I reek of swamp ass. First, I was forced to use fictional characters to feel loved in my own head, and now the Commies are gonna take my waifu too?” He shed a tear, whining, “We really do live in a society… by the way would you be interested in a men’s rights pamphlet?”
Local Pastor Jimothy Crabapple felt very differently. “It’s not enough,” he said, sweating. “These cartoons are not alright for children! It’s obvious they want to corrupt people with those M&M’s thick, sultry lips, and luscious eyelashes.” He took a sip of water. “These mascots were clearly made by someone with an unclean mind. Who else would look at anthropomorphic chocolates sexually - not me that’s for sure. I’m a man of God; I don’t even notice those seductive gloves, or those long, long, legs that just draw the eye up - nope not me.” When asked for a solution to this problem he said, “Well primarily we need to protect the children. Get them out of dangerous spaces like TV and the Internet and back into child-friendly spaces like the Church!”
Mars wasn’t even successful in their attempt to be inclusive. They managed to slut-shame chocolate! What they were successful in doing, however, was directing attention away from the child slavery lawsuit they’re facing. We don’t yet know why Communists are covering for American capitalists, but what we do know is that Rule 34 is going to be popping off with sexy M&M’s.