Willie Taggart Watches "Tidying Up," Finally Concludes Domestic Abuse Does Not “Spark Joy” for FSU Football
It’s easy to understand why a show as wholesome as Tidying Up has drawn massive audiences. For something so simple in premise, you’d think there were already, like, multiple TLC shows about the exact same thing. Nevertheless, Marie Kondo and her expert tips on how to declutter and organize all aspects of one’s life have captured the hoarding hearts and minds of the binge-watching masses everywhere, most notably our own Willie Taggart. He took Kondo’s advice and finally decided to toss out former starting quarterback Deondre Francois out like a nasty, old pair of shoes – deciding that providing a safe haven for a domestic abuser would not “spark joy,” nor “start a positive dialogue with oneself” on his football team, within the Tallahassee community.
“It was time to clean up shop,” said Taggart in a press release Sunday afternoon. “Marie Kondo says that people shouldn’t hold onto things that don’t spark any positive emotion in them. It was time for a finally put my foot down and have a real culture change. I’m discarding everything. I won’t tolerate behavior that caused four of FSU's seven quarterback signees from the last six years to be either suspended or dismissed,” said Taggart, while painstakingly spritzing and scrubbing every inch of his locker room with holy water. “De'Andre Johnson and Jameis Winston are just lucky I wasn’t around to tidy up their messes. I can assure you Johnson would not only have been dismissed, but I would have recommended he actually serve time for punching a woman at a bar. And only a series of suspensions for everything Winston did? That’s not ‘doing better.’ That’s showing people that powerful men don’t have real consequences.”
Seminole fans everywhere were appalled at the news, including Seminole Student Booster VP Wesley Thompson who was quoted in saying he would “literally die” for FSU athletics. “Yeah, I’m super bummed that we’re gonna be rebuilding even longer now, but Taggart did the right thing. Football is, like, the entire foundation of this institution. How are we supposed to cheer for guys like Francois, like Johnson and like Winston without feeling like absolute dirtbags? Yeah, I’d like to ‘Do Better’ on the field, but we can’t ignore what it means to ‘Do Better’ off the field, too,” said Thompson, as he attempted to find and delete every image of the football team’s nationally ridiculed photoshop of MLK in an FSU glove. “To use the rhetoric and likeness of Dr. King properly, ‘If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.’ For me, that starts by embracing Taggart’s Tidying Up efforts.”
While it’s clear that Tidying Up has certainly struck a nerve with its millions of viewers, perhaps our very own Willie Taggart has taken Mrs. Kondo’s advice the most to heart. Whether or not his decision to declutter the team will result in a backlash from donors or the most consciously supported spring game in FSU history, it’s pretty obvious that the decision to do what’s right will have consequences for the culture, the near and eventual future of Seminole football.