Barefoot Wine Preparing for Yearly 30000% Spike Among Coveted “Single and Broke” Demographic


With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, it’s time to prepare for lovebirds certifying their affection for one another by spending their hard-earned dollars on custom rose bouquets and CVS chocolates teetering on the line of staleness. For those who do not happen to have a significant other to snuggle up with this Thursday evening, we here at The Eggplant FSU have no trouble thinking of another special someone that’s sure to leave you walking side to side before the early morning hours. In preparation for what has become their most fiscally successful time of year, the Good Samaritans at Barefoot Wine are strapping up their boots and tightening their corks to ensure that you and all of your single friends have the best Valentine’s Day possible.

“The numbers just keep getting higher year after year. It seems like everyone just can’t get enough of Barefoot’s signature, smooth yet sickly sweet flavor,” said the company’s CEO Jared Mogul while artfully swirling Listerine in a dixie cup in order to oxygenize his glass before finishing his morning toothbrush tasting. “Wine and Valentine’s Day are a classic pairing, mostly because people associate romance with woodsy Cab Savs and airy pinot grigios. Our most popular flavor during this time is our plain moscato, probably because its dry, run-of-the-mill flavor reminds all of the spinsters suckling it down of their similarly dull love lives.”

FSU singles were surprised to learn that their favorite brand for sad-girl bonding nights and homemade Italian feasts is actually not a unique preference at all. “I read an article that said Barefoot’s sales go up 30000% in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day alone,” said senior Lainey Hartman while nervously chewing on the foil wrapper of a Dove chocolate. “Between my friends and I, we’ve consumed approximately 20 bottles of Barefoot moscato in the past two weeks. It’s not just because we’re lonely singles on a budget. It happens to be the only wine that pairs well with both yelling at Mr. Big during Sex and the City and my roommate Leah’s kick-ass baked ziti.”

So while some people spend their Valentine’s Day “happy” and “in love,” the rest will be sure to have a steamy date with the smoothest, most fiscally responsible partner known to broke college students and insufferable singles alike. This Thursday, make sure to say “cheers” to not being tied down and saving your money. As that collection of empty wine bottles doubling as kitchen decor continues to grow and your aversion to wine headaches impressively diminishes, remember to pour one out for the brand that gives you so much for so, so little. Barefoot, this one’s for you.

The Eggplant FSU