Bridging the Gap: Mitch McConnell Offers to End Government Shutdown if Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Teaches Him How to Floss
As the 34th day of the current government shutdown rears its ugly head, 800,000 federal employees are struggling to feed their families and pay their rent. The GOP, of course, couldn’t really give a shit about that and would rather throw a hissy-fit until Congress agrees to fund a useless monument to racism and xenophobia along the 1,954 mile border of the American Southwest. With some Democrats working to reopen the government without having to fund Trump’s concrete passion project, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been noticeably absent, refusing to allow the measures to be voted on. In recent days, however, the 148-year-old turtle man has changed his strategy and is now willing to drop the wall funding demand in favor of one of the other major desires of the Republican Party: the admiration of the youth. Recently leaked memos show plans from McConnell to strike a deal with popular freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to reopen the government if she teaches him the “Floss” dance from hit video game Fortnite.
“We’ve weighed the outcomes, and at this point in the process, we think it’s our best course of action,” reported Republican strategist and spokesperson for McConnell, Greg Bunter, watching a YouTube tutorial on how to do the Milly Rock. “Seeing how unpopular the wall is among the actual American population, as well as the guillotines that have been starting to appear outside our houses at night, we thought that there just had to be another way. Mitch and I talked it over, and we decided that maybe trying to get a little bit of What’s-Her-Face’s recipe for amassing support could be a good trade-off. You know, we didn’t use to care what young people thought, but ever since we heard about those Covington Catholic boys, we realized that maybe the kids were alright. Plus, now we can blame this whole mess on her refusal to cooperate.”
“I can’t believe this garbage. That old, wet raisin has been dodging his responsibility for the past month and calling me immature for dancing, and now he wants my help?” angrily exhaled Representative Ocasio-Cortez as a flock of CNN reporters followed closely behind, criticizing the stitching on the lapel of her pantsuit. “He really must think that my popularity comes from the fact that I know what a Mukbang is, or because I called into a Twitch stream raising money for a trans rights charity while cooking mac and cheese. Is it really that unfathomable to think that Americans like my politics and are not as afraid of socialism as they think? But if there’s a chance that it could bring this nightmare to an end, I can stomach a few deeply uncomfortably dance lessons to put federal workers first, unlike most of my co-workers.”
McConnell has since retracted the offer, much like how he keeps his head safe in his shell every night, after determining that no, he’d rather not be a decent human thank you very much. While the shutdown continues, Representative Ocasio-Cortez and the few other empathetic congresspeople will attempt to bring work back to all our furloughed federal employees while fighting off the constant barrage of verbal diarrhea from “both sides” centrists who are more willing to let Trump have what he wants than side with anything that a progressive does ever.