Commitment-Fearing Millennials Petition to Add "Maybe" Option for Ballot

The momentous day has come to decide whether or not this country and the world shall plunge into a molten, stateless wasteland or be subject to seeing the progress of the Obama administration continue. For many Americans, this is the first presidential election in which they will be able to cast their vote but, unfortunately, not all are excited about it. With the surge of memes, tweets and shitposts complaining about the available choices for Official Big-Red-Button Pusher, most are rather uneasy with the prospect of making a definitive yes-or-no decision and would rather have the option to just shrug and say “maybe, idk...I’m not a political science major!!!”

“There are just so many things to pay attention to,” hip 20-year-old Allison Breaf said, taking a sip from her smoothie and riding along on her skateboard. “I thought all I had to do was remember how gross Donald Trump is, vote for someone else and get a sticker. But apparently there’s research involved. I’ve heard Amendment 1 is, like, an Orwellian lie or something. What’s up with that, my dudes?”

Breaf and two of her friends, political science major Shayne Wayho and self-proclaimed Marxist Jamie McCoolsby, have organized a petition to the Federal Elections Commission to add the option to voice an undecided opinion for all yes or no questions on the ballot. The petition has gained significant support among whiny li’l brats and people who don’t read the things they sign.

McCoolsby explained the idea while dusting off his statuette of Vladimir Lenin and hanging a Mimi Soltysik 2016 poster on the wall. “Shayne designed the system and it works like this. They have the traditional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ options, that’s a given. But underneath it, there’s a new option of ‘maybe.’ If several people vote ‘maybe,’ it’s decided in a consulate meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, or by a two-thirds majority in the case of anything larger. Or we just flip a coin or something.”

Local voter and curmudgeon Richard N. Kilt criticized the petition, saying, “These kids just don’t get it. How unreasonable is it to place them in a small space with limited time, under the all-seeing eye of Federal Law and ask them to make a definitive decision about a very specific and thoroughly drawn-out amendment, described to them in language that in any other case would take a lawyer to decipher?” Kilt then turned away and began to Google ‘Sparknotes: Leon County ballot.’ “Frankly, all of the electronics and socialism teens are exposed to these days makes them afraid of commitment, like that Tindr nonsense! They think things aren’t just black and white sometimes and there might actually be room for ambiguity. Disgusting.”

Having acquired more than ten thousand signatures, Breaf and her team appealed to the Federal Elections Commission. Once they stopped laughing and confirmed that one could petition them, the FEC announced that the question of whether to add the “maybe” option would be decided with a nationwide ballot initiative during the 2020 election.   

The Eggplant FSU