Child Gets Lost in Whole Foods, Returns to Family as Jill Stein Supporter

Late Sunday afternoon, nine-year-old Ralph Watson wandered down the incense aisle of Whole Foods, leaving his mother, father and sister behind while they shopped for an organic Thanksgiving turducken and a ceramic serving bowl imbued with posi vibes. Watson’s name was called over the hollowed out tree branch Whole Foods uses as a loudspeaker four times before he skipped up to the front of the store with an overpriced bag of granola in one hand and a Stein/Baraka poster in the other.

“First of all, mother, my name is Moon Quartz now. Second of all, I will walk home from this establishment because I learned from a pamphlet at the bar that our family’s outrageous carbon footprint is not going to help us get completely sustainable by 2030,” said Moon Quartz before closing his eyes and humming quietly to realign his chakras after such a negative outburst. “Also, please buy me these biodegradable sandals.”

“Ralph, listen, we need you to put down the vegetable spiralizer and get in the Honda Fit,” said the Quartz’s parents as they stuffed their organic chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey into their trunk. “And no, we are not buying you $90 sandals for the one family hike we go on every year to show people that we’re *real* progressives. You have to be barefoot in all the pictures anyway so just toughen up.”

“Wow. The two-party parental system strikes again,” said Moon Quartz, “Why don’t you just tell your accountant to print you some more money or something? That's how it works, right? I bet Miss Jill could print us more money." 

Upon getting home, Quartz immediately ran upstairs and locked himself in his room to listen to the Grateful Dead on vinyl, posting a #NeverMom sticker on his door. Without his support, his mother lost the long-standing fight with his father, allowing him to build a fugly, white-washed fence around their house and establish an unreasonably stringent vetting process for any potential visitors. All the while, Quartz remained locked in his quarters, drowning out the yelling with the ASMR vibes of Jerry Garcia. “Whatever,” he posted on his Tumblr. “Just because I don't support her, that doesn't mean I support him. I just refuse to be a pawn in this game that will ultimately not have any serious repercussions for me because I’m a cis white 9-year-old male.”


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