10 People Who Probably Didn’t Have A Job Within Three Weeks of Graduating, Just Like You
You’ve been lying to your relatives for months about all the internships you’ve applied to and the only company to ask for an interview is the Wild Birds Unlimited in your hometown. But the pressure really started to build when one of your best friends recently scored a job in Silicon Valley with Google, complete with health insurance and a high enough salary to buy a specialty coffee drink, like, every day. (Seriously, I’m so happy for you, Summer. REALLY, REALLY happy for you!). But don’t let the success of that trifling butternut muffin get you down! To lift your unemployed spirits, The Eggplant FSU has compiled a completely uncorroborated list of ten people who probably didn’t have a job within three weeks of graduating!
1. Cardi B's Baby
Cardi B’s baby is already more successful than anyone you know, including that bitch, Summer! (Haha, only kidding, Summer, I’m so proud of you!) That baby’s only job so far has been to give its mom weird food cravings and to be super chill while she performs on Saturday Night Live. The IRS doesn’t hand out W2’s for that bullshit!
2. Mr. Corelli from Hannah Montana
Mr. Corelli probably didn’t have a job within several weeks of graduating — mostly because his degree was in something like Technical Theater — but what’s even more comforting is that he lived with his mom well into his forties. You definitely won’t have to live with your mom for that long! Although, you might have to move back home for a little bit to save up money while Summer lives in a beautiful one bedroom that looks over the Palo Alto Baylands.
3. Lloyd from Lloyd in Space
Lloyd Nebulon probably didn’t have a job before graduating because, as a green alien living in the Intrepidville Space Station, he wasn’t held to the same heightened, capitalistic standards of success that you’ve been held to. Standards of success which don’t actually mean anything, Summer, because I’m totally happy working at Wild Birds Unlimited after college! It gives me time to focus on my art! Maybe I’ll even learn how to bake!
4. Kevin Jonas
Okay, so Kevin Jonas didn’t actually go to college because he didn’t need to after the unprecedented success of Camp Rock and his hit show, Jonas. But if he had, then he totally would have procrastinated on finding a job until he was just about to graduate! Plus, he probably wouldn’t have even gotten a follow-up interview once employers saw that weird dumb puppy smile! So what does it even matter that Summer was also offered positions at Amazon, Vogue and Def Jam Records?
5. Stephanie Meyer
Sure, Meyer graduated from Brigham Young University and wrote one of the most successful book franchises of the early 2000’s. Her degree was in English, so it’s probably safe to assume she didn’t have a job within a few weeks of graduating; it’s also definitely safe to assume that she didn’t have an amazing job at Google. See, Summer, not all of us have a lifetime of job security and amazing business connections at the top of our list of priorities! For some, writing about beautiful, pseudo-intellectual vampires with unfathomable levels of teen angst is fulfillment enough!
6. This Dumb Cat
Don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s face is stuck in a piece of bread: this cat actually graduated from Sarah Lawrence College in New York. But unlike that successful and deserving bitch, Summer, this cat didn’t score a job in the big city until several months after graduating. Now this cat is giving motivational lectures to high school students for $700 a pop. Talk about a true success story!
7. This Dog That Ate A Remote Control
You’ve definitely never eaten a remote control in your life, which means that you’re smarter and more capable than this dumb dog who was featured on Buzzfeed and will probably be given a $20,000 grocery stipend from Walmart after appearing on Ellen sometime this week.
8. The Geico Gecko
Look how happy this little guy is! And to think, he doesn’t even have a job at Google, where he’ll be paid a six-figure salary while also being fulfilled creatively. Like seriously, Summer, are you even saving 15% or more on car insurance? Ugh, probably, since you really seem to have your life together.
9. Katherine Heigl’s Character in Grey’s Anatomy
Remember that time Izzie Stevens spent an entire episode trying to revive a deer? And then that other time where she broke the hippocratic oath to steal a heart for her boyfriend? Or that time she had a thing with George? FUCKING GEORGE? Anyway, even though she was completing a competitive residency program at Seattle Grace Hospital, this woman definitely didn’t have her shit together before graduating, just like you!
10. The Entire Cast of “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging”
After graduating high school and pursuing bachelor’s degrees, these ladies had far more important things to worry about than finding a corporate job, which would in no way reflect any of them as fully-formed people! Instead, the cast of “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging” mastered all kinds of cool skills, including the proper use of a snap hair clip and making their hands fall asleep and then touching their boobs so it feels like someone else is touching their boobs. I bet Summer has never figured out how to do something that practical!