Meet Your Best Friend's New Man

TALLAHASSEE, FL– As a slight chill begins to disrupt the near-constant hellfire that is Florida heat, love (and delusion) is in the air. Cuffing season is approaching, so get ready for the single women in your life to introduce you to their new boo (not Halloween-related but scary nonetheless). 

When your friend brings their man over, ask: Is he tall? Lanky? Does he have questionable posture? Does he lament his short-lived baseball career? Does he blame his downfall on a childhood roommate? Is he potentially hiding premature balding with a specific type of hat? If you answered yes to any of those questions, Diva, that's no ordinary guy; that's the Bowler Hat Guy from the popular 2007 Walt Disney animated film Meet the Robinsons!

Before you panic, remember, it could be much worse! He may be comically evil, but he’s driven and knows what he wants. Is it the downfall of his archenemy, who’s also the biggest inventor in his universe? Yes– but that's essentially the same as hating Elon Musk and Peter Thiel. When you think about it, Bowler Hat Guy is kind of based. Not to mention, he's doing something about it, not just posting infographics on his private Instagram story!

Listen, I know baseball guys are scary, but baseball is kind of in right now! Bananaball has never been bigger, and with an animated villain's presentation skills, Bowler Hat Guy is a shoo-in for right field TikToker. Plus, Bowler Hat Guy only hates his enemy; most baseball guys I know are low-key racist and misogynistic– so who’s really the evil one?

He even has a little robot hat– how cute! Imagine they get married, and the little hat is the flower girl– that's so much better than someone's snotty baby cousin. All this is to say, don't freak out at your bestie's new man! Does he even have a comically evil look, or are you just falling for racist stereotypes? Think about his tragic past: no parents and a bitch ass roommate, that would make anyone determined to ruin a man and his family's lives. This cuffing season, don’t accept Bowler Hat Guy; accept Goob.