Grow A Seed With Your Seed: Environmentalist Club Creates Eco-Friendly Condoms
Randy the sea turtle lived a peaceful life gliding waves and fertilizing eggs on the beaches of Florida, but everything changed when Florida State spring-breakers migrated to his part of town. On March 10th, 2022 at approximately ten p.m, Randy began to choke on a suspicious object that he had seemingly inhaled whilst sipping on a spring-breakers’ margarita ocean-piss (yum). Luckily, a really hot person with a moth tramp-stamp saved the day. The savior has been confirmed to be Taissa Bridge, a marine biology undergrad at Florida State University, and golden member at the Trader Joe’s on Thomasville Road. Taissa was able to pull out the object that almost killed Randy the turtle: a condom…used.
It’s nice to know college students are practicing safe sex, but this slippery cum-slope of condom use proves there are major consequences to littering! It isn’t just plastic water bottles and bags that can end up causing great damage to our ecosystems: think outside the latex people! Semen-soaked condoms are super spooky and not the kind of salty that Randy the turtle should be tasting! Luckily, Taissa was generous in giving out information on a new product the environmentalist club has been brainstorming.
Taissa would go on to explain in an interview on her rescue of Randy the Turtle that “for the past few months my team of volunteers from FSU’s environmentalist club have been testing latex with various soils to create a product perfectly compostable.”
Advertisements have been placed across campus about the launch of the product, but there are hopes that this organic alternative to regular Trojans will pick up heat after the tragic events of March 10th. In a statement released by members of the Environmentalist club, “we believe that we can do more than just releasing a load. How about using your seed to help grow some seeds!” That’s right, the environmentalist club is creating an eco-friendly condom that can help plant growth. Because why let a perfectly good date night aftermath go to waste? This is totally a real product to save the environment and not just a sly marketing scheme to get people involved in the environmentalist club meetings (every Tuesday in the HCB room 212 at 7 pm) for free condoms.
Taissa, a member of the Environmentalist club explained, “a few of our condoms will contain seeds of various vegetable plants for texture that brings maximum pleasure!” These range even to jumping and jelly beans! As the weather gets warmer and people grow closer, this could mean the start of a new chapter for Florida State students. Instead of buying veggies from Trader Joe’s, grow a seed with your seed. Snack on some cummed on cucumbers for free, and save the turtles from spring breakers’ nasty washed-up condoms. So, as well all re-enter campus and you see more vegetables and even flowers randomly sprouting around corners of campus, you’re welcome.