Landis Green Full Of People Pretending To Read The First Page Of A Book They Got From Tik Tok

Spring has Sprung at Florida State University! Pants no longer justify themselves in your wardrobe rotation and it's not because you only have one pair, it's just too damn hot! The prime indicator of this change in weather is Landis Green herself– the hub for freshmen and escaped inmates of Arkham Asylum. Shirtless spikeball is in full swing, dogs are a thing again, and for the first time in your academic career, you're going to crack open that book you got from Tik Tok two years ago! You may have bought the Song of Achilles in December 2020 but it’s been silently, stylishly sitting on your shelf to remind your guests of your throbbing brain. But now it's time to prove to them how smart you really are, you can read, whole books even (maybe)! The sun is perfectly partitioned by a plethora of clouds, creating the perfect temperature to relax and enjoy transcripts of…basically, porn. 

“I am not much of a reader,” explains sophomore Khloe Bergman “but ever since Covid I have been buying brand new copies of books I see on Tik Tok and reading them till I get bored. Every March I try to start reading again but I get distracted because of my neurodivergent tendencies, which I also got from Tik Tok, ironic enough.” Casual fans of book covers aren't the only ones enjoying the optimal reading time, die-hard book worms are laying out towels on Landis as well. “This title has changed the game for non-fiction publishing forever.” Starts Eric Milkinson, “The nuanced approach to the human condition creates a new branch of avant-garde analysis that Dostoevsky hasn't even touched. I recommended this to friends, family, and even the professors that introduced these philosophies to me. If you are a college student and still haven't deciphered the code in which your soul speaks to your heart, I say halt. Halt your journey on spaceship earth and give this title a try.” Claims Eric after dog-earring the third page of Jordan Peterson’s Beyond Order.

The CEO of Barnes and Noble even spoke up about this recent trend, “We have not gotten this kind of revenue since the Percy Jackson series. But now the new trend is just porn. All we stock up now is porn, aisles and aisles of it. What the fuck do I do? The only way for me to stay afloat is to sell it to teenagers and sure, it makes me sick, but it's the only way I can compete with Amazon. I feel like the guy who made the atom bomb, or the guy who made the Juul. My business is only benefiting people now but soon humanity will be different. My wife left me, I don't blame her. I gave up love to protect the legacy of my business but if my legacy is corrupting the future of mankind then I wouldn't fuck me either. I am reptilian, my emotions have dulled to nothing, and what makes a man if he is without selfless thought?  If my vessel has lost its human soul all that while ago then surely the Lord will forgive me when I man the fuck up and take my life. I have become death, The destroyer of worlds.” Amazon CEO has also commented on the recent trend saying, “very cool!”

So no matter what you got on your shelf, it's time to dust off the jacket and hit the lawn. It's too beautiful outside and no one knows how cool and smart you are inside anyway. It won't be this temperature much longer, the sun gets closer to earth every year, and the hotter it gets the dumber your excuses get. Finish that book, prove to your friends that you're an intellectual, and prove to your credit card bill that you really are the biggest fan of Colleen Hoover.