Health & Wellness Center Debuts “I Told You So” Campaign After Recent Flu Outbreak

There’s nothing like finally getting into the groove of the semester and watching your immune system abruptly self-destruct because some gross normie decided their desk was going to be a tissue. It’s also common knowledge that the one flu shot you got ten years ago as a result of the swine flu epidemic does not carry over, but that hasn’t stopped the relentless “get a free flu shot in exchange for a $5 gift card” signs from never leaving an impression on your big, dumb mind. Despite the fact that the Health and Wellness Center puts on events providing access to free immunizations, students still don't take advantage of something they already pay for in their tuition. As a result, the HWC has decided to adopt a more novel approach.

“Honestly, if these walking germ terrariums could quit hitting each others’ Juuls and bathing themselves more than just once a week at the Recess pool, which chemically doesn’t even qualify as water anymore, then maybe outbreaks like these wouldn’t be so severe,” says Dr. Phills as she rolled up her sleeves, revealing her “f*ck the flu” and Dark Mark tattoos. “We had an entire FSU vs. UF flu shot event where all the students have to do was roll up their sleeves for a shirt, pizza and the reduced risk of becoming a snot zombie. The students seriously have no excuse. You have no idea how hard it is not to say ‘I told you so’ and punch these little gremlins in the face when they come in with flu symptoms.’”

“The doc said to break the chain of infection or something, but I stopped listening after like a minute because my ears haven’t popped for two days due to all the congestion,” said freshman Chris Green before downing a pack of Mucinex, popping six cough drops and doing a round of throat-numbing spray chasers. “I was gonna go to that free flu shot thing but I figured that if I hadn’t made it to Bio I, a thing I’m paying for and desperately need to understand to succeed in my college career, I might as well skip some stupid shot. Besides, how else am I going to rack up these excuses if I’m not sick?”

Whether or not you got your snot shot this year, just be sure to wash your hands more than that little rinse with water thing you do when there’s someone else watching you at the sink. But also, if you actually are sick, go to the HWC and use that minimum insurance that they tricked you into buying freshman year. Just remember: some of these doctors are only a couple years older than us and will most definitely put you on their shit list if they see yet another student come in with a preventable disease.

The Eggplant FSU