Eggplant FSU Creates "Anyone Can Run" Party for SGA Election
It's the time of year where tensions are high exclusively for those who were safety patrols in the fifth grade and wanted to continue their involvement into college. They aren't like regular students because they don't just go to class and raise their hands every two minutes – they also pay attention to all of the nonsense that goes on around this hellish campus. Unlike other election cycles that have been monopolized by a group of dweebs who think keeping the same ideas from 2007 but changing the party name to a different verb is acceptable, FSU now has three parties, complete with buzzwords that your advisor told you to include on your resume. You're definitely not wrong if you thought that this was way too fucking many, but you don't have to worry because The Eggplant FSU is here to turn that triangle into a square with their "Anyone Can Run" party!
"We were sitting in a meeting last week and thought, 'Gee, if someone from a suspended fraternity can run for president, then what about a bunch of English majors who can't spell the word 'restaurant' correctly?'" said Eggward P. Lantward, the Eggplant FSU's campaign manager, who was definitely not three eggplants in a top hat and trench coat with a microphone shoved into the collar. "These days, it seems like parties are slating anyone as long as they know the Student Activities Office is located on the fourth floor of Thagard. Just like another group, we only have a Student Body President slated. We don't have a platform yet, but be sure to check out our cute Facebook frames to assault your friends and family with."
"My qualifications speak for themself," commented SBP candidate Auber Gine as she scrolled through her LinkedIn profile that had the words "many involvements" under experience and "knowing how to write a five page essay 45 minutes before midnight" for skills. "I'm really good at throwing around words like advocacy, unity and impact. My main goal is to secure mudding licenses so that people can go sledding in the pits of the Oglesby Union construction zone when it rains. Not only that, but I think we should have Starbucks booths on every floor in Strozier Library since that's the only place people study at. The 42,000 students at this university may not care where $13 million goes each year, but I definitely do."
While the other three parties all host panels about what SGA is to people already in SGA, the Anyone Can Run party will be throwing a sick three-day long bender – er, school-sanctioned function, on Landis Green to kick off the election season this Thursday. If any FSU students have doubts about a political party not named with an SAT word, they can rest easy knowing that, if Auber Gine is elected on February 20, she plans to keep in line with her predecessors by offering nothing but broken promises and zero accomplishments by the time her year-long tenure is over in 2020. And remember, folks… anyone can run!