BREAKING: All the Sketchy Connections You Thought Your SGA Friend Had Are Probably Real

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Everyone has that one friend with a seemingly irrelevant position within SGA that always seems to “know a guy” and get better internships than you. In the past, friends of student government members have just assumed it was because of rich parents or Greek life or both; however, FSU’s proudest tattletale and independent SGA candidate John Walker has brought to light some serious accusations that link the pseudo-secret society Burning Spear to various cases of corruption within student, local and state government. All this considered, the outlandish suspicions you built up in your head about your friend in SGA are probably legit.

“At first it was just little things about Thomas that seemed off, like wearing a full suit to class every day and the very obvious ‘Burning Spear Owns This Ass’ pin on his jacket. But I realized these SGA connections might actually be a scary big deal when I saw him refuse to shower for five days after he managed to side hug Governor Rick Scott at a Tallahassee meet and greet,” explained innocent bystander Jaclyn Dawkins who is now a little too invested in how her friend was offered a paid political internship as a sophomore. “I mean, the premise of joining a secret society whose members populate a board that votes on what law firm in town will receive $20,000 to lobby on behalf of SGA's interests seems like a pretty sweet deal, especially for any members of the same secret society who happen to work at that law firm!”

“Look, Burning Spear isn’t as bad as it sounds. Sure, we do have a number of members who may or may not be involved in an FBI investigation into the City of Tallahassee for the alleged misallocation of taxpayer money to local businesses, and sure, one of these businesses, which may or may not be The Edison, was initially invested in by a member of Burning Spear, and is co-owned by another,” explained Burning Spear member Thomas Barger as he nervously pulled at his collar and pretended to text to avoid eye contact. “But in our defense, there’s just no way The Edison has been getting any outside funds to improve your dining experience. I mean, have you eaten there?”

But just like the humble beginnings of many Burning Spear members who got their trial run on a lifelong power trip during their time at Florida State, John Walker’s complaints about the self-proclaimed “mafia” that seem more and more mafia-like by the day originate from  government happenings here on campus as well. Ever since the Supreme Court single-handedly saved the Unite Party’s election hopes with a verbal miscue and then apparent Burning Spear member and Vice President of Student Affairs Amy Hecht bailed out the Spear-filled party with the denial of the Walker campaign’s follow-up appeal, the former candidate seems to have been spending lots of energy trying to win an election against a party that probably shouldn’t have been allowed to run to begin with.

While only time will tell if Walker’s exposing of a corrupt SGA election and possible local political corruption makes him the sorest loser in SGA history, one thing is clear: if he was so concerned about winning, maybe his time would have been better spent connecting with Burning Spear members on LinkedIn, like our old pal Thomas Barger.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This information was provided by John Walker, the Walker for FSU Campaign's independent candidate for the Student Body elections. The statement referenced can once again be found on his website.