BREAKING: Fraternity Gives Thrasher Reason to Ban Them Again
From the series of torrential downpours plaguing Tallahassee this past weekend, it's pretty obvious that God is starting a second flood to punish the Chads and Brads of the Interfraternity Council for once again dishonoring the school but somehow still making their alumni proud. On Sunday, December 2nd, the FSU community was awakened from the fever dream that this conglomeration of rich, entitled fraternity men would go a semester without doing anything unproblematic after a tweet was made about members of the permabanned Pi Kappa Phi fraternity hosting a reunion while wearing stereotypical Mexican garb. Disappointed, but not surprised, President John Thrasher added another tally to his ever-growing list of reasons why he should piledrive them out of existence.
"This school can't keep itself away from national news for longer than twelve seconds. It doesn't matter how hard some students are working to raise our national ranking and reputation. It takes one stupid act by IFC to drag us back down to the bottom," commented an angry President John Thrasher, as he changed his “number of days since last national incident” whiteboard to zero. "Well, we condemned that one girl for splooshing milk on a couple of whiny Ron DeSantis fanboys, so now I guess we're compelled to take appropriate action against something actually offensive to over 20% of the student body. You'd think this chapter would have learned after one of their pledges died last year, but here I am filling my weekly planner with disciplinary hearings and enough therapy sessions to keep me from finally quitting this godforsaken job."
"Since the ban, we've been calling ourselves 'Pie Fap,' claiming to exist underground, even though this picture was taken outside of our university-sanctioned, official frat house. We still do things that bros would normally do together, like laugh at the poor, buy dogs just to get chicks and not understand why that hilarious joke we made could be offensive to minorities," said Tad Chad-Michaelson, the brother who took the picture and is undeniably the most culturally unaware person we’ve ever interviewed. "I practically live at Cancun’s on West Tennessee St, so I’d say I’m a pretty good judge on whether or not it's okay to wear a poncho, mustache and sombrero. I even texted my friend from Miami, so it’s not like I didn’t consult the Mexican community beforehand. He left me on read, but I took it as an OK to go for it." It was later discovered that Chad-Michaelson's friend was, in fact, Cuban, and had been asking him for years to stop calling him Mexican.
The Hispanic-Latino Student Union, FSU NAACP and Mexican-American Student Association have all made statements condemning the actions of dudes who have already booked first-class tickets to Cozumel on their dad's credit cards for spring break, with several MAGA hats shoved into their suitcases. FSU is currently working with the national chapter to bring these bozos in to make them pay cover and double their taxes. As the year-old saying goes, “We’re not suspended, you’re suspended," meaning that everyone affiliated with FSU will have to continue to share the shit-show spotlight, all thanks to this squad of dipwads.
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