Scandal! Kyle Hill Has Belongings in Half of Leach Center Lockers Because He Keeps Forgetting His Passcode and Is Too Afraid to Ask for Help

Screen Shot 2018-01-17 at 1.43.41 PM.png

Since his election to the position of Student Body President last Spring, Kyle Hill has been trying to relieve the stress of his executive duties in a healthy way: pumping iron and doing spin classes at FSU’s popular student gym, the Leach Center. But since he incorporated time at the gym into his daily routine, he’s consistently forgotten his passcode each time he locks up his belongings after working out. To make matters worse, Hill doesn’t want to inconvenience the Leach staff, so he just leaves his stuff locked up and leaves. Because of Hill’s continued reluctance to solicit help from Leach staff, the supply of lockers for other students has nearly halved.

Oh no! It looks like nice guys really do finish last.

“I’d say at this point I’ve gone through about sixteen backpacks and at least a dozen pairs of Cole Haans,” said Hill as he nervously eyed several frustrated students jiggling locked gym locker handles. “I feel bad for dooming these lockers to forever hold my own belongings, but the Leach staff is always busy mentally critiquing people’s free weight forms and making sure any Olo members who come in get dirty towels, so I don’t want to distract them.”

If you ask me, we need more people with Kyle Hill’s DIY attitude in government! Share if you agree!

Thankfully, while still maintaining an iron-strength grip over wild cannon Senators within SGA and an equally strong grip on the squat bar while he does bicep curls, Hill is taking care to reduce the rate that lockers become unusable to other students. “As of today, I’m announcing a brand new initiative to cut the number of lockers I forget the passcode to by at least 30% by the end of January,” Hill announced proudly to a confused group of custodial workers outside the Senate Chambers shortly around 6 pm yesterday evening. “I plan on video recording myself putting in each code and putting it on the FSU Campus Snapchat story to help improve accountability and government transparency, and to help Advance the relationship of trust between students and SGA to the greatness it once was.”

Couldn’t have said it better ourselves, Kyle. Vires Artes Mores!

The Eggplant FSU