Feather Falls on Tallahassee Power Plant, Knocking Out Electricity for Miles

Since the start of the fall semester, residents of Tallahassee have dealt with severe damage to electricity lines thanks to multiple storms, a car crashing into an electric pole and their roommate Greg not paying his share of the utilities. The city is facing its most serious situation yet as power has been knocked out again. The culprit this time? A feather from a migrating mallard that gently grazed upon an electricity tower, creating a domino effect that has left the city without any functioning electricity.

“One second, I was live tweeting my hashtag original and hashtag important opinions about hashtag The Walking Dead, then out of nowhere the lights went out. I already had to deal with one cliffhanger at the end of last season; now I don’t even know how the first episode of that shitfest ends,” yelled Cristina Valdez while painting red hand marks on the wall in a last ditch effort to have some fun. “I’ve spent the last hour tweeting out ‘Can anyone bring me some water? #TheWalkingDead,’ ‘Don’t know if I can survive much longer #TheWalkingDead’ and ‘Never thought I would die before Carl #TheWalkingDead,’ but I think the fandom might see my tweets as cosplay.”

Sources close to the mayor say that every option is being explored. Tommy, one of the three kindergarteners in a trenchcoat that makes up Mayor Andrew Gillum, suggested having a large plant of fuzzy hamsters powering the whole city by running in cute hamster balls of various colors. Another, suggested by Anthony, Tommy’s friend from recess whom he hired as Tallahassee’s head of utility, was to steal a bunch of potato-powered clocks from local science fairs and figure out how to use them to power an interconnected grid of buildings, machinery and traffic lights.

“We really thought we finally had an electricity system worthy of a state capital after the last hurricane, when we upgraded the whole system to be resistant to thicc leaves and gusts of wind faster than 5 MPH,” explained plant manager Bill Plaggens as he tried stuffing a AAA battery into the audio jack of his iPhone. “Who would have guessed that a bird’s feather would just fall down from the sky and knock out a whole damn tower? We’re humble workers of the state capital, not a science engineer from the science capital.”

As the power remained absent from the dorms, apartments and houses of Tallahassee, residents found comfort in traditional forms of entertainment. Many have banded together to form a commune against the shackles of social media, video games and the 24-hour news cycle by deciding to live in the forest, just as their great ancestors, or the ancestors of someone did before they were brutally whitewashed and colonized once did. Abandoning a 21st century lifestyle for that of a nomadic hunter and gatherer is no easy feat, but is certainly the most logical option when one has not been able to post to their Instagram story in more than two hours. Following this trend, reports have come in from all around Leon County of psycho bird hunters hitting pigeons out of the sky with blow darts and their feathers knocking out all power stations within a 35-mile radius.  

Rumor Alleges Construction Projects to Be Front for Giant Cannon Aimed at UF

As the cool early fall fog rolled away from the Southeast side of campus just before sunrise last Friday, Freshman Andrea LaPique was shocked to notice what appeared to be a large gun barrel being loaded into the construction site on Jefferson Street outside her Landis Hall dorm window.

“I thought it was weird how the walls they put up looked like they were just flat façades.” LaPique said, as she adjusted her tin foil hat and ran a length of red twine between a picture of John Thrasher and a map of Florida on the complex corkboard matrix spanning her entire dorm wall. “This is big! I’ve been watching them for weeks. Why would they be building new dorms when they just spent $80,000 renovating the stadium? It doesn’t make sense! Open your eyes, sheeple!” She then spent the next two and a half hours drawing connections between the contracting company hired for the project and the anthropomorphic reptiles that control most of the world’s governments. “As soon as I can sneak in there to take pictures, they’re done for. They’ll have to confess, or else I’m taking this directly to Julian Assange! Hear that, Thrasher?!”

The foreman of the construction site in question refused to comment, calling the allegations “unfounded” and “definitely not the exact truth.” Despite this, the site is still closed to the public and remains shrouded in mystery. The only personnel authorized to enter are construction workers, inspectors from University Housing and the three envoys of U.S. Army vehicles spotted entering Saturday morning.

LaPique’s roommate, Molly Mayhew, is concerned. “I think she’s totally nuts,” Mayhew said. “She keeps a count of what she calls, ‘shipments of gun cotton’ going in there, but I’m pretty sure it’s just insulation. Every time I tell her that, she forces me to look through the telescope she has pointed out the window and acknowledge the fact that the water pipes laid out on the ground could be used to fire off 1-meter shells.” Mayhew then sighed as LaPique pulled out her calculation sheet, showing the angles at which certain structures were aligned in the building.

“I’ve almost got it!” LaPique shouted, scribbling away with an animal ferocity and a look of only murder in her eyes. “I've almost figured out exactly where they're aiming this thi- oh… oh shit... It's pointed at UF… that’s hilarious! Fuck those guys! THRASHER 2016!”

FSU Students Can’t Decide If Slavery Worse Than “Political Correctness”

Content Warning: Slavery, racism

Nostalgic for the kitschy ole days of mason jars and auctioning off human beings, many Florida State students are hoping to continue the legacy of institutional racism started by their ancestors by voting to keep the statue of Francis Eppes on campus. Those who are voting to remove the statue are citing Eppes’ ownership of 91 slaves, his launch of a slave-catching militia and the sale of his plantation to support the confederacy. Those who are in favor of keeping the statue, most of whom are not black and therefore would not have been considered property when Eppes was alive, believe that Eppes should be judged by “[his] positive contributions, not because of [his] possessions,” a statement that clearly shows progress in how our society views black people. Many thanks to the Integration Statue for ending racism on campus, and many thanks to Power of We for giving these racists cute profile picture backgrounds, only for them to later turn around and do verbal somersaults to justify slavery and quantify black suffering on PWI campuses.

Students voting to keep the statue argue that without Eppes’ contribution to creating the university, black students, who have only been allowed to attend the university since 1962 and are still disproportionately represented thanks to Florida's abolition of Affirmative Action, would not have gotten the education they have. “If people don’t like the statue, they should leave,” said Francisca Eppes (unaffiliated), who also thinks it’s okay to say the n-word when singing along to Kanye and that Harambe memes are funny. “Kind of like how my ancestors left their homelands for America so that they could sit back and watch black and indigenous people build this country while they took all of the credit and had statues erected in their names.”

“To be honest, I thought the statue was there for me to slovenly kiss on my way home from Potbelly’s until Students for a Democratic Society held their petition,” explained Amina Abdul. “I was undecided on the issue until I realized that maybe a monument serving as a constant reminder of the fact that our campus was built using money earned at the expense of the exploitation of black people could be harmful to them and anyone who isn’t white.”

One feeble argument made by those in favor of keeping the statue is that if the university were to remove the Eppes statue, Americans would have to rid the whole country of any monuments made for other terribly racist founding fathers, and that removing the statue erases Eppes history in a way that failing to acknowledge a historical figure’s participation in systematic oppression somehow does not. Other ironclad arguments made by these individuals include “Finders keepers, losers weepers” and “I know you are, but what am I?”

When asked why he was voting for the statue to remain, freshman Knight McWhite stated, “I sit next to that statue EVERY DAY for lunch, and he has never ONCE said anything racist to me. Eppes is a class act and having him removed would be OUTRAGEOUS!” McWhite then ripped off his shirt and whirled it around in the air before calling Milo Yiannopolous for advice on how to further belittle an entire group of people and subsequently make light of mental health issues by using the word “triggered” as an insult. “We need to stop catering to every politically correct liberal whose feelings are hurt by the littlest things. The statue should stay because removing it offends me and everyone else who didn’t even care about it until it forced us to confront our complicity in a corrupt system that has fought to keep black people down for centuries.”

Vote here to sell the statue and use the money to buy an oculus rift all the racists can use to pretend it’s 1832 again.