Rumor Alleges Construction Projects to Be Front for Giant Cannon Aimed at UF
As the cool early fall fog rolled away from the Southeast side of campus just before sunrise last Friday, Freshman Andrea LaPique was shocked to notice what appeared to be a large gun barrel being loaded into the construction site on Jefferson Street outside her Landis Hall dorm window.
“I thought it was weird how the walls they put up looked like they were just flat façades.” LaPique said, as she adjusted her tin foil hat and ran a length of red twine between a picture of John Thrasher and a map of Florida on the complex corkboard matrix spanning her entire dorm wall. “This is big! I’ve been watching them for weeks. Why would they be building new dorms when they just spent $80,000 renovating the stadium? It doesn’t make sense! Open your eyes, sheeple!” She then spent the next two and a half hours drawing connections between the contracting company hired for the project and the anthropomorphic reptiles that control most of the world’s governments. “As soon as I can sneak in there to take pictures, they’re done for. They’ll have to confess, or else I’m taking this directly to Julian Assange! Hear that, Thrasher?!”
The foreman of the construction site in question refused to comment, calling the allegations “unfounded” and “definitely not the exact truth.” Despite this, the site is still closed to the public and remains shrouded in mystery. The only personnel authorized to enter are construction workers, inspectors from University Housing and the three envoys of U.S. Army vehicles spotted entering Saturday morning.
LaPique’s roommate, Molly Mayhew, is concerned. “I think she’s totally nuts,” Mayhew said. “She keeps a count of what she calls, ‘shipments of gun cotton’ going in there, but I’m pretty sure it’s just insulation. Every time I tell her that, she forces me to look through the telescope she has pointed out the window and acknowledge the fact that the water pipes laid out on the ground could be used to fire off 1-meter shells.” Mayhew then sighed as LaPique pulled out her calculation sheet, showing the angles at which certain structures were aligned in the building.
“I’ve almost got it!” LaPique shouted, scribbling away with an animal ferocity and a look of only murder in her eyes. “I've almost figured out exactly where they're aiming this thi- oh… oh shit... It's pointed at UF… that’s hilarious! Fuck those guys! THRASHER 2016!”