Best Routes Home to Avoid Gainesville But Not Tolls, Sorry


As your Aunt Linda probably says, “It's almost Turkey Day!” That means if you live south of Tallahassee, you most likely have to drive past that god forsaken hell hole some people call Gainesville. Since no moderately decent human being should have to deal with that, these are a few alternatives to avoid that absolute lizard fart of a town.Take the 15 minute longer, but totally worth it Jacksonville route.

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Jacksonville is by no means the ideal city, but with that water view and a limited amount of tolls, it’s a complete breeze in comparison to the sweaty circlejerk that is even driving through Gainesville for 20 minutes. Luckily, UNF is pretty irrelevant for a college and with the gigantic size of Jacksonville, your chances of accidentally stumbling upon a “Go Ospreys” snapchat filter are slim to none.

Just fly as south as you need to be, then jump!

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Sure the plane ticket may be more expensive than just driving through “the swamp.” And yeah maybe jumping out of a plane hoping to land in your suburb full of old people puts you in greater danger, but remember everyone there thinks awkwardly slapping their straight arms together is intimidating, so this is definitely the safer route.

Leave Florida and never go farther south than Tallahassee again.

Just relocate your entire family. Honestly anywhere is better than South Florida, even dumb ass Nebraska. Just never allow yourself to be subject to the misery of driving through Satan’s toilet and risk hearing that pathetic “It's great to be a Florida Gator” chant.

If you must go through it, stop and take a shit!

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Sometimes that sub par landfill of people that worship the lamest dinosaur just needs to be conquered. If you MUST suffer through such a disgusting excuse for a town full of losers who think bright orange is cute and not the most gaudy and atrocious color on the planet, at least take a good dump in the mouth of that fucking gator statue. It’s not like their campus could smell any worse.