The editor-in-chief of University of Florida’s satire publication, The Really Independent Florida Crocodile, produced a document signed in alligator blood early Monday morning vowing that their publication will start being funny in 2016. “The general lack of quality these past two years was intentional,” said The Crocodile’s editor-in-chief, three second graders in a trenchcoat. “But we’ve let our ‘university’ down time after time, so from now on we promise to put more than ten minutes of work into our articles, in exchange for a couple of Capri Suns and someone explaining to us what satire is.” The main joke over there appears to be that Florida State is bad at football, which is not only untrue but pretty ironic coming from a team who rejoiced at FSU’s loss to Georgia Tech and then almost lost to FAU last weekend. There are also many references to crimes that FSU football players have committed, but no actual jokes or commentary about them, which is apparently what the “Harvard of the South” has taught them is the definition of comedy.
Many of the articles appear to be topical but remain unfunny (“UF dining halls remove bacon after WHO announcement”), have weird racist undertones (“T.I. to be released from prison for Gator Growl performance”) or are strangely forgiving of crimes committed by their own students (“Report: Grier only juiced up on refreshing Pepsi and Gatorade”). These articles have all been well-received by the UF student population, which is surprising given that they’ve booked otherwise strong comedic talent, including John Mulaney and Mitt Romney.
The Eggplant wishes The Crocodile the best and hopes that somewhere on their weirdly organized campus with a statue of a virgin, they can find some funny students who actually know how to properly capitalize a headline. But even if they can’t, remember: #itsokUF, you’ve still got, uhh...Panda Express on campus?