FSU Senior Paul Lewis woke up this morning to see his entire Instagram and Facebook flooded with logos of either the Vitality or Ignite Party. For a brief moment, Lewis considered doing some research on which party would best represent student interests and make the university a safer and more intellectually thriving place. However, he quickly remembered what a farce student government is, laughed to himself about how much of a waste of time that would be and went back to sleep. “The last time I cared about voting for anything was when Mountain Dew was trying to decide what their new flavor should be,” said Lewis. “This SGA election seems far less important than that.” Many students agree with Lewis and plan on lying about voting so that the one friend they know who recently changed their profile picture to one of the party logos won’t be disappointed with them.
Meanwhile, presidential candidates Jean Tabares and Andrew Wilson are doing some last minute campaigning to scoop up whatever last minute votes they can. “As the chief-of-staff for our current president Stefano Cavallaro, I’ve learned exactly what it takes to bully and manipulate your way to the top, and if you elect me, I promise to misrepresent you as much as he does,” said Ignite candidate Andrew Wilson. Vitality’s candidate Jean Tabares, on the other hand, wants to make it clear that he is definitely not part of the Ignite party. “I know hardly anyone knows what Vitality is, I honestly don’t know either, but you have to admit it’s a cool name and that’s why you should vote for me.”
Despite what either candidate claims, Paul Lewis knows there is a zero percent chance of him voting or even caring what happens today. “Let’s be honest,” he says. “The only thing we’re really voting for is who we want to have a better résumé when they graduate.”