Chaos struck Dodd Lecture Hall this afternoon as Sophomore David Kent made the executive decision to change his seat seven weeks into the semester of his World Religions class. This judgment call has so drastically impacted the class’ aura that it was immediately canceled for the rest of the semester. “We all tried to be brave and just sit in a different place,” remarked sophomore Jade Coleman while fidgeting in an unfamiliar seat on the left side of the lecture hall. “Just because we don’t have assigned seats doesn’t mean these seats don’t become a part of us by like the second week of school. This class used to be an exciting hour and a half of Dr. Mantle shutting down ignorant Christians' opinions on Islam; and now, even with everything going on with ISIS, Jedediah has remained silent this week. It’s just not right.”
“My glasses were broken! I needed to move up because I physically could not see the board and the professor said that the information was guaranteed to be on the exam,” said David as he sunk down further in his chair to avoid spitballs being launched his way by both students and professor alike. “My address has already been leaked on Yik Yak. The only reason I’m still sitting in this seat is because I’m too scared to go home.”
Dr. Mantle, professor of Kent’s Introduction to World Religions lecture, has stated that he is strongly considering pressing charges, as Kent’s unexpected seat change caused him to throw out his neck while taking attendance. “All students except for David will receive an A as compensation for the inconvenience. David however, will receive a triple F-," explained Dr. Mantle as he began to compose a written note to send home to David’s mother. “He needs to understand that his actions have consequences and he can’t just go sitting in seats willy nilly thinking nothing will come of it. This is college. You’re treated like an adult, and we expect you to act like one too.”
Many classmates have begun to cope by giving David nicknames related to other things that also brought complete and utter destruction to otherwise seamless environments. The nicknames include, but are not limited to: “Titanic Iceberg,” “Iggy Azalea,” and a class favorite: the “McRib."