Freshman Roommates Agree “The Thrill is Gone”


After over a semester of half-heartedly inviting each other to Suwannee and low key rolling their eyes at anything the other person said, freshman roommates Morgan Goldstein and Victoria Young agree that the honeymoon phase is over. The two have decided to cut the bullshit and continue their relationship as roommates without the façade of friendship. “When Victoria and I first met on the FSU class of 2018 Facebook page a year ago, she was like the sister I never had,” remarked Morgan while re-taping her Urban Outfitter’s landscape tapestry to her wall. “But then she joined a sorority and traded in her combat boots for tall brown leather boots and we just didn’t have anything in common anymore."

“Wait, tell me exactly what that bitch said about me,” demanded Victoria while editing out the “#roomielove” caption from her earlier Instagram pictures with Morgan. “I know she’s been Yakking about me ever since I got my bid. She didn’t even pretend to care when I was upset about Lilly Pulitzer being sold at Target and honestly it’s just rude.”

Despite drastic differences in their newfound college personalities, the roommates have met with their RA to negotiate a new, strictly business roommate agreement.“I’ve never seen two roommates so cordially hate each other,” added DeGraff RA Jamie Summers. “I mean yeah, almost all my residents end up despising their roommate by October, but it’s a passive aggressive hate, like Obama communicating with the House, or John Thrasher e-mailing Progress Coalition. This is just weird.”

The most important part of the new roommate agreement is the “don’t ask don’t tell” clause, which states that their intimate pillow talks from the first month of school will remain confidential. “And thank God for that,” whispered Victoria under her covers in a more private moment. “I would just die if anybody knew that I’m still a religious viewer of American Idol.”