Super Senior Argues He Didn’t Fail This Semester, This Semester Failed Him


Finals week has taken over campuses nationwide, and FSU students are walking in a haze of regret, coffee binges, and counterproductive Netflix marathons. But nobody is more regretful than future super senior Dylan Garfunkel, who claims that he did not fail this semester, but rather the semester really failed him. “This higher education system is pretty fucked up, and I would know, I’m a Psychology major,” remarked Dylan as he readjusted his ‘Obey’ snapback and attempted to smoke some weed stems. “It’s like all my professors decided to put their exams on the same week, it’s bullshit. I didn’t come to FSU to study and take tests.”

Many students have cited recent current events as the reason they messed up this semester. “I mean yeah, my final is a modern reflective art piece but how am I supposed to make art right now?” Said Studio Art Major Bridget Hootler while reblogging an image of a bloody flower with its petals up on Tumblr. “Between all the shootings, modern racism, and Cosby Show reruns taken off Nick at Nite, I’m just too upset to do anything. This semester is really bringing me down and I can’t be held accountable for my emotions.”

Despite the effect late semester events have allegedly played on many students’ overall grades, FSU officials do not see any real need to exempt students from their failures. “Sure, there may be a lot of shit going on in the world but things are still going pretty great for me!” Remarked President John Thrasher as he whipped up a bowl of macaroni and cheese and took it to his current houseguest Darren Wilson. “This is the season for giving, and I’m gonna have to ask all of you to just give it a rest.”