As the holidays approach, Florida State is slowly being adorned with decorations that seem entirely out of place considering the surrounding palm trees, and still prominent sweat factor. RA’s typically decorate residence halls during this time of year to represent the various religions and holidays of FSU students. This is, however, not the case for the third floor of Bryan Hall, which will be embodying the spirit of Atheism this season, courtesy of RA Jack Bolster. “God isn’t real, and therefore neither are any of these dumb holidays,” said Jack, while reblogging a photo of Banksy’s latest art piece. “So instead of putting up a bunch of ribbons and candy canes like all the other basic RA’s, I decided to decorate my floor with the same thing we do after we all die: nothing.” Instead of giving his residents stocking stuffers or seasonal candy, Jack will be sliding two copies of “The God Delusion” under all of his residents’ doors, along with a friendly reminder that all dogs do not go to heaven.
Despite support from most Libertarian students and some asshole Anthropology teacher, not everybody is happy with Jack’s lack of holiday spirit. Local Baptist and Bryan Hall resident Jedidiah Duggar has set up a communal Christmas tree and nativity scene in his dorm for 3rd floor Christians who are upset about having somebody else’s beliefs pushed on them for a change. “What Bolster is doing is just wrong.” Said Duggar while brushing his platonic cousin’s floor length hair. “I mean it’s one thing to take the Christ out of Christmas or be Jewish, but this is too much. Me and all 19 of my siblings are praying for his savior this Christmas.”
Jack says he’ll still be spending his holidays at home, watching Real Time with Bill Maher reruns and opening presents because “Christmas is all about consumerism now, anyways.” He also says that he will be taking his residents out for hot chocolate at Starbucks, but only if they all agree to ask for non-seasonal cups and bounce if they’re not available.