As FSU students returned to campus this fall, they were greeted with the sudden reality that the familiar bus routes everyone has come to know and love were completely redone in an effort to show that a presidential search isn’t the only thing FSU administration can fuck up. Despite efforts to listen to student complaints and introduce routes with fun names like “Gold Lite”, many are still upset with the new bus system and its inefficient methods of transporting the university’s laziest students. In response, FSU announced today a completely new bus system in which all the stops are just based around whatever the driver has to do that day. “I know it’s not the best system, actually it’s probably the worst” said the FSU administrator in charge of the bus system who wished to remain anonymous for safety reasons. “But this new system took the least amount of time to think up so I thought we should just go for it.” The stops for the newest bus routes are:
Stop #1: The bus stops at a dry cleaners so the driver can pick up his one shirt and use one of the stability handles as a rack for his garment bag.
Stop #2: Winn-Dixie. He suggests that everyone on the bus accompany him and divide the list to “cover more ground.”
Stop #3: The bus stops at Wells-Fargo so the driver can make a withdrawal as the students wonder why a bus driver would use such an elite bank.
Stop #3.5: The bus driver drives the bus to the back of Wells-Fargo to partake in what appears to be a crack deal. The students conclude that he uses Wells-Fargo for its proximity to his dealer, not for its high-class environment.
Stop #4: The bus stops at Lake Ella so the driver can take some photos for his Flickr account.
Stop #5: The bus driver pulls over with his hazards on for an e-cig break, showing the whole bus that “it’s my e-cig, not my crack pipe, so chill out.”
Stop #6: The bus stops at an Internet café so the driver can upload the pics to his Flickr account.
Stop #7: The bus driver picks up his kids from school, making three students give up their seats for the little shits.
Stop #7.5: The bus driver slams on his breaks and threatens to make his children walk home if they don’t stop arguing over the Gameboy.
Stop #8: The bus driver finally returns to campus, but only to get Chili’s-To-Go for his family. He leaves the bus in the middle of the Union Green and students slowly exit the bus.