FSU History Professor Barry Crockard has spent all summer planning the biggest party of the semester. Despite having only watched Two Broke Girls and Two and a Half Men reruns on TBS (very funny) this year, Crockard considers himself a big TV fan and is confident that his Emmy party will be the dopest event the history department has seen since Dr. Holly Mattson’s 12 Years a Slave party last December. And to make sure it goes well, he is offering ten extra credit points to any student who shows up and five more points if they bring drinks. “I learned a lot from my past party mistakes,” says Professor Crockard, whose 2014 Oscar party was infamously only attended by one of his TA’s and a few confused workers from Suwannee. “I think this extra credit thing will really drive people in. After all, this will be the only chance they have to earn extra points until the new Hobbit movie comes out in December. Honestly I don’t know how else I’ll get people to go with me to that.”
Professor Crockard has been working around the clock to make sure his party goes off without a hitch. “People may say it’s ‘lame’ to hang out with a professor outside of class, but those people have no idea how awesome tonight is going to be. All of the food I made is Emmy themed. The main course will be Julia Louis-Whitefish with a side of Orange is the New Black Beans and yellow rice.”
Students, however, are less than enthused. “All I wanted was a normal college experience,” said incoming freshman Allie Paige. “Now I have to find someone to buy me alcohol so I can bring it to my professor’s house, or I may not make it on the Dean’s List this year. Yesterday I tried to download the syllabus from Blackboard, but it ended up just being detailed directions to his house.”
Professor Crockard says he plans to wear his “Bazinga” shirt to the party and that anyone not rooting for The Big Bang Theory or the cast of Modern Family can consider themselves failed.