FSU Mom and Dad Decide to Stay


After a strenuous day of moving in their freshmen daughter Lexi Higgins, FSU alumni Janet and Bill Higgins have decided to take another whack at college life altogether. The couple will reportedly be crashing in the Degraff common room until they get kicked out, or until a three-way with that hot girl on the first floor pans out. “I wouldn’t call it a midlife crisis.” Said Janet as she downloaded the FSU Party Tutor app and gushed about Chipotle for 20 minutes straight. “I think in a sense we never really left college. And considering the student loans we’re still paying off, we’ll be in college until the day we die.”

Due to their already obtained undergraduate degrees and lack of current sanity, Janet and Bill will not be permitted to register for classes this fall. However, they will in fact be shadowing Lexi’s bigger classes while inappropriately shouting out awesome stuff during lectures like “ORGANISMS, MORE LIKE ORGASMS! AM I RIGHT PROFESSOR AND FELLOW COLLEGE GOERS!?” They also plan to show up to every football game in full body paint while trying to lead the “FUCK THE GATORS” chant in the student section.

“Yeah, they need to go” said Lexi while begging her father’s boss to unfire him via e-mail. “This shit is getting really old. In high school they would say they’re going out of town but then would invite all of my friends on Facebook to a party called ‘DOIN IT BIGGIN WITH THE HIGGINS.’ Then they would pretend to walk in surprised that there was a party, while simultaneously carrying a keg, a bag of weed and a boom box blasting Pitbull. You don’t know true weirdness until it’s your dad who peer pressures you into smoking pot for the first time.”