With the spring football game coming up this weekend, many people are buzzing about the upcoming season. Fans are sad to see eleven starters and the old logo go, and are curious to see how the team will cope with so many tragic losses. Jameis Winston, however, is just excited to get back to a sport where he’s the best player on the team. Jameis has been feeling left out ever since the announcement that some of his teammates will not be coming back next year. “Oooooh, Lamarcus Joyner is gonna be in the NFL. Big whoop.” said Jameis, pouting and rolling his eyes. “Isn’t anyone happy that I’m staying? And fuck Kenny Shaw. He stole ‘3 Hunna’ from the greatest lyricist of our generation, Chief Keef. That’s plagiarism. He should be prosecuted.”
Jameis says he plans to show everybody who the real star of the team is in the upcoming season, and hopes to “finally” get some time in the spotlight. “I feel like my skills are really underappreciated. I deserve to sparkle. Just like that crystal football they gave us to see into the future.” He also says his Heisman trophy “doesn’t count” as him getting attention, because “That thing is dumb. It looks like a grown ass man trying to jazzercise.”
The Seminoles will scrimmage this Saturday in the Garnet & Gold game, and Jimbo Fisher says he has some “secret weapons” that he’s hoping to show off during the game. At this comment, Jameis proceeded to point to himself and raise his eyebrows enthusiastically.
With all of these changes coming to FSU football, it’s important to remember one thing that will always remain the same: the amount of booze consumed on game day.
*No Title IX laws were violated in the writing of this story