Total Loser Throws Self into Fountain for 21st Birthday


Every year on his birthday, Jack Thompson is let down when none of his Dungeons and Dragons buddies will travel to Tallahassee from their respective moms’ basements to celebrate with him and/or throw him into Westcott Fountain. This year, Thompson decided to take matters into his own hands, plotting to discreetly throw himself into the fountain.

As tour groups waited patiently to snap the exact same Instagram picture in front of FSU’s most popular fountain, Jack slipped on a snorkel, some flippers and pair of floaties and proceeded to casually fall into it. “Aw man, you guys got me good!” He shouted as he came up for air and pointed towards a random group of students. “What?” He asked. “You guys want me to climb to the top? Ugh, well okay, I guess I have to now…you got me again, peer pressure!” The group of students exchanged a confused glance and then continued their heated debate about which tour guide could get it.

Jack made his way to the top of the fountain, gave two thumbs up to all the cameras he assumed were on him and spoke to the crowd. “Come on in guys, the water’s fine!” This enraged FSU tour participant Gabby Green, whose otherwise perfect Instagram picture was ruined by Jack’s presence. “I’m sure you can crop it, honey,” cooed Gabby’s mother as she made a mental note that nothing like this happened on the UF tour and maybe that would be the best place for her daughter. Employees in the Westcott building considered escorting Jack off the premises at this point, but ultimately felt so bad for him that they decided they could just let this one slide.

Jack eventually climbed out of the fountain, took a victory lap while humming the Rocky theme and erupted in uncontrollable laughter for 15 solid minutes as he threatened each passerby with the gesture of a big, wet hug. Finally, he made his grand exit. He pointed to what appeared to be just a group of squirrels and exclaimed “drinks are on me tonight, boys!” He then trotted back to his dorm in Landis Hall chanting “go shawty, it’s my birthday we gon’ party like it’s my birthday!” 50 Cent would be proud.