Florida State students and fans across the globe are expressing outrage today at the release of a new logo for its athletic teams, which is essentially an updated version of the logo they all knew and ignored until the new one came out. Petitions are going around, Facebook posts in all caps are being liked, and the designer of the new logo has been issued into the Witness Protection Program. However, no one is more concerned by the matter than President Barack Obama.
“A lot of serious of events have occurred over the past month but none of them should be taken more seriously than what is happening right now at FSU” said the President in an official address at the White House this morning. “This new logo has got these kids all bent out of shape. There is no telling what the long term effects of this could be”.
President Obama has told his cabinet to clear his schedule. He is even putting the shooting at Fort Hood on the back burner, in order to focus on a real tragedy.
The president also took time to thank Florida State fans for standing up for their beliefs “I could not be more proud of all the students and fans alike who took to Facebook and Twitter today to complain about this supremely important issue. You guys are the real heroes. Your pessimism and close-mindedness to new ideas is what this country is all about.”
The president will leave Washington immediately on Air Force One to meet with the FSU athletic department and interim president Garnett Stokes. “I can’t tell you what I’m gonna do in the meeting” the President said, “but what I can tell you is that I just reinstated George Bush’s policies on torture. Whatever it takes to get the old, racist logo back I’ll do.”
Tension on campus has reached a boiling point as student unrest about the new logo could prompt a Kiev-like riot any second. Frat star and football fan Dan Shumer is particularly upset, “I mean yeah it may be a little less racist and easier to embroider but its way gayer so I hate it. But at least he doesn’t look like he has bacon on his face anymore so maybe it’s ok.”