Marching Chiefs Fear Drum Major’s New Girlfriend is Yoko’ing Them


FSU’s  famous band the Marching Chiefs has recently expressed concern towards their drum major Johnathon Lemon’s new girlfriend Yolo, a Japanese exchange student majoring in Studio Art. The band fears its drum major’s burgeoning outside relationship may be just what it needs to be torn apart.

“When you become a chief it’s for life, man.” Remarked percussionist Gringo Gnarr as he spoke briefly with us before practice. “It’s like we made that blood pact for nothing.”

Lemon used to care about the band above everything else. He was definitely cocky, but he was a benevolent leader who got stuff done. Last football season he even stirred up the biggest controversy in Chief’s history when he tweeted that the Marching Chiefs are more popular than Jameis Christ, which did not sit well with sports ball and Christ fans everywhere.

But lately, Lemon has seemed aloof and uninterested in his esteemed position as drum major. Instead, he reportedly just lies in bed all day with Yolo, collaborating on experimental music and posting vines about giving peace a chance. “What the actual fuck is he talking about?!” Pleas Lemon’s ex-girlfriend/ self-proclaimed baton goddess Cynthia. As Cynthia explains, “this isn’t like him at all. We used to make fun of hippies; hell we’d even go to All Saints sometimes and fuck with the hipsters by asking them if they liked bands that didn’t even exist. This is just uncharacteristic of him.”

The Chiefs, while definitely upset, have yet to revolt because as much as they’d like to deny it, nobody is as talented a musician as Lemon, not even his co-drum major Paulette McCarthy, who tends to just write silly little love songs. And as of now, Lemon has announced no plans to break from the Marching Chiefs, but  has instead insisted that Yolo not only be present at all practices, but will replace Cynthia’s baton twirling with her interpretive dancing during the halftime show.

As if our mascot alone wasn’t already pushing it, somehow Seminole football just got more racist. But as our lord and quarterback Jameis Christ says “here at FSU if we gon’ do it we gon’ do it big.”