Florida State University has yet again been ranked as the most efficient university in the nation. People all over the world are commending the university for not having spent all that much money per student. Finally FSU students have something to brag about to their slightly more successful friends that may have ended up at Stanford or Yale. They may be “academically” ranked higher, but our school wins awards for spending less money per student than anyone else, so who’s really coming out on top?
As the cost for each student is decreasing, the tuition and costs of living manage to stay the same, which is fine, no one is really keeping track anyway. University officials announced that next semester classes will be taught by the Tallahassee homeless community in an attempt to slightly lower the cost per student even more. FSU’s efficiency committee states “We feel the homeless community has a lot of real life insight to offer the students. And they aren’t interested in a salary, all they ask for is more cardboard and black sharpies.”
Florida State’s efficiency committee already has their sights set on winning the award again next year. They want to spend as little money on each student as possible. According to the committee, other universities on the list have begun to turn off the lights when classrooms aren’t being used. However, Florida State will one up these universities by keeping the lights off all day. The committee claims students’ eyes will eventually adjust to the darkness. “Honestly, I’m tired of this cheap ass place, I can’t wait to spoil the hell out of Penn State,” says soon to be ex-President Eric Barron.