Due to the recent emergence of spray painted graffiti phrases such as “nothing is real” and “life is an illusion” across campus, University Police have concluded that at least one student is in the midst of an embarrassingly public existential crisis.
The suspect is almost definitely white, of the upper middle class, and was maybe recently denied a job at Starbucks even though he/she “practically lives there anyway.” It is also confirmed that according to the suspect’s archived MySpace about me, he or she could be described as “so random lulz look a cat!” But what drove said student the breaking point? Current theories about the anonymous vandal’s motives include an over-usage of psychedelic drugs, stress from midterms, or maybe he or she was just kind of a dick.
But university officials aren’t freaking out about this one just yet. They anticipate a decrease in graffiti leading up to spring break when every student goes crazy, consumes ungodly amounts of alcohol and says “fuck it!” instead of writing it on the HCB building. Unfortunately, spring break will end and right around the corner is the feared anarchist revolution that may become of this semester’s final’s week. In order to prevent further vandalism, FSU officials have confirmed that all students will be required to participate in this year’s collegiate drug free poster contest to prove FSU is not only smoke free, but hella drug free as well. Said one student regarding this news, “you mean like that crap we did in elementary school? You’ve got to be kidding me….” The winner of the contest will receive a signed Florida Georgia Line Poster and a $50 gift card to Chili’s.
FSU is not the only one taking action to stop this crime fest. The capitol is pretty pissed too after somebody wrote “Rick Scott isn’t real” on the sidewalk, which really did a number on our governor’s self-esteem. Consequently, a new city-wide ordinance will soon go into effect which forbids the sale of spray paint to anybody wearing fake glasses and/or any shirt with a kitty shooting laser beams out of its eyes.
FSU’s student body’s reaction to these crimes has been overwhelmingly apathetic. While it may be true that we’re all specks of dust in the grand scheme of things, and we’re just hurtling around the sun on a glorified rock, most students are wondering why this vandal can’t just curl up into a self-loathing ball of anxiety and binge watch Netflix like the rest of us.