Library goers were shocked yesterday when third year student Jamie Fallon underwent an intense anxiety attack as she frantically attempted to swipe her FSU ID to get into Strozier. According to reports, Fallon was “JUST DOING IT WRONG! SWIPE THE OTHER WAY, OH MY GOD!” But there’s more of a story here.
After much convincing, Fallon has agreed to speak candidly with us about her upsetting Strozier swipe incident. “I’ve never been able to do it,” confesses Fallon as she takes a deep breath and stares out at the distance introspectively. “When I close my eyes now I can’t see anything but that blinking red light. It haunts me.” Fallon allegedly tried to swipe into the library no less than 29 times before an impatient bystander shouted “HURRY THE FUCK UP STARBUCKS IS GONNA RUN OUT OF CAKE POPS.” By this time the line had wrapped half way around Landis Green and was growing not only in numbers but in collective frustration. All at once the mob mentality became too much for Fallon. The English major froze up entirely, transitioned to the fetal position and began to dry heave until Strozier employees were forced to pause their iPad games and intervene.
While Fallon’s experiences are unique, her struggle is all too common. Strozier swipe anxiety has long been a campus-wide epidemic, but has received little press up until now. “It’s really not a big deal,” assures Strozier employee Max Hurley. “As library slaves we see this stuff happen at least 5 times a day. Jamie’s nervous breakdown probably wasn’t even from swipe anxiety but from the stress of whatever she came to Strozier to work on in the first place.” But the counterevidence to this claim seems indisputable. In fact, according to a recent statistic, over 70% of FSU students have at one point or another experienced Strozier swipe anxiety. The other 30% said they couldn’t actually remember the last time they went to the library, but after hearing about Fallon’s trauma remarked “holy shit that’s nuts! I’m glad I never go to that place,” and then Top Gun high-fived anybody who would have it.
Despite proof of its negative psychological impact, FSU’s soon to be ex-President Eric Barron has vetoed propositions to nuke the system all together claiming “shit builds character,” and that he’s “definitely gonna set something like that up at Penn State.”