New FSU Measure Up Campaign Requires All Male Students get Penis Measured


Florida State’s campaign for ethical sexual awareness, FSU Measure Up, has requested that all male students attending the university come in for an official penile measurement that will be entered into the Blackboard system.

Each student who participates will get an official rank of size (S, M, L, XL, WTF) and a medical debriefing as to how their size affects potential sex partners.“

The goal is to have each male student know the potential dangers different penis sizes can produce,” says Richard Guglielmino, an official representative of FSU Measure Up.

But not only will the men know their sizes, each female will also get a chance to view measurements online using Blackboard.

“I’m actually really excited for the new measurement system,” says sorority girl Katie Webber. “I used to only know if guys had a small penis by seeing if they drove a truck or owned a gun, but now it’s all been made easy.”

Implementing this new system allows FSU’s female students to also abandon the ancient “Goldilocks” method of trial and error.

“Finally, the days of, ‘this one’s too small, this one’s too big, or this one is too uncircumcised’ will be over,” says Webber.

As many as there are in favor of applying the new measurement system there are also just as many who oppose it.

Jordan Udanis, a Computer Science major says, “The only way my penis size will be entered into a computer is if I’m bragging about it to a webcam model. And the last thing that I want is for someone to come and actually verify it.”

Regardless of opinion however, FSU MeasureUp will establish a walk-in based measuring convention in their offices. All you have to do is to just walk in to any building on campus and say, “I’m here to get my dick measured.” And they’ll definitely know what you’re talking about.