LIT to Reopen as “AP LIT” for More Accelerated Nightlife Experience
Tallahassee’s previously mundane nightclub LIT will be reopened this fall as “AP LIT.” Under its new management, the club is being renovated to entertain Tally’s most intelligent minority.
Owner Preston Finebanks remarked on his innovative business model: “yeah, it’s pretentious as hell but at least we’ve completely eliminated the possibility of anybody fist-bumping or requesting an LMFAO song.” He makes an excellent point. Dumb people have long been the biggest problem with Tallahassee’s nightlife and it’s refreshing to know one brave club has taken a pledge towards rightful stupidity discrimination.
AP LIT is unique in that it has no cover charge. For the first time ever, the smart kids are the cool kids and will be given exclusive club access based solely on their intelligence. Prior to entry, guests must complete a mandatory IQ test which will dictate whether or not they may party. The test can be taken via proctor in one of AP LIT’s various study rooms or beforehand at FSU’s University Center C. Potential club-goers must have an IQ of at least 125 with absolutely no exceptions. Those scoring less than 125 will be verbally harassed and then promptly redirected next door to Baja’s Beach Club.
FSU’s intelligent students are no strangers to microcosmic separation. They’ve been long segregated from the general public through “gifted” programs in elementary school, AP/IB/Honors courses in middle school and high school, and even their own dormitory in college. This club will provide its patrons with the opportunity to further separate themselves from the “normal” kids. Said one qualified club goer: “I’m so sick of grinding up on a guy all night just to find out he’s an unemployed 26 year old TCC student with an ex-wife and a Chlamydia flare up.” Thankfully, people like that won’t even be granted access to the parking lot of AP LIT.
So screw popping a molly and sweatin’ this fall. Instead snort an Adderall and come check out AP LIT, Tallahassee’s most accelerated nightlife experience to date.