Cinderella’s Slipper Found Outside Gordo’s Parking Lot, Prince Charming Set To Host True Love Competition
It’s no surprise that when you think about love in Tallahassee, it often comes in the form of love for food and alcohol. Mainly alcohol. Of the many pillars of slop and booze, some stand out more than others, with one of those being Gordo’s. The restaurant is now not only infamous for mimosas and putting cubans in your mouth, but recently the famous Prince Charming held an exclusive event that happened to end with a sighting of Cinderella. Rumors quickly spread that after having 3 Smash’s, Cinderella abruptly left, with one of her slippers (crusty Air Force 1’s) ending up in the parking lot in her Irish exit. Next week, a city-wide competition to fit the slipper is set to take place. It might be one of the worst ideas possible to try and find true love in Tallahassee, but maybe Mr. Charming got hit on the head as a baby.
People from all across Tallahassee are lining up to get a chance for their own Cinderella story. Unfortunately, this means it's attracting a lot of sorority sisters fresh out of the cloning facility. The prospect of finding a literal, actual, serious Prince Charming and finally leaving this dump of a city has many eager to do whatever it takes to make the slipper fit them. “Me personally, I’m making sure Cinderella is locked in her dorm so she can’t take this from me,” claimed one of Cinderella’s evil stepsisters and suitemates, “I’ll do anything to increase my chances of getting into Kappa Delta”. It seems even fairytale villains are trying to get involved with the evilest thing FSU could offer- Greek life. Although, evil storybook villains and sororities are basically the same thing.
It seems in this competition of love, there are forces of good working to see a storybook ending happen after all. The Fairy Godmother has recently appeared, taking a Tallahassee-influenced form modeled after Ms. Killings, with plans of helping Cinderella. “I plan to rescue my dear future princess from her KD evil-mates- and get her to Prince Charming in my magical pumpkin carriage!” She went on record to say. Her magical pumpkin carriage was later stolen soon after being left parked outside of Bajas, because this is Tallahassee of course. How will Cinderella reach her destiny? She might just have to walk her own exodus just like every overly hormonal freshman trying to get to Recess on a Tuesday.
Gordo’s employees, the hopeful ladies of Tallahassee, and the many customers who know they can’t handle their 8th mimosa are all doing everything they can to get ready for this life-changing event. Although quite literally out of a Disney movie, we can’t help but be anything but skeptical. Prince Charming isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, as he was reportedly sighted golfing with Ron Desantis while wearing UF merch. Regardless, we do hope Cinderella’s slipper finds its way to the rightful wearer. Even if it’s not you, don’t worry, I promise you weren’t going to find the love of your life in Tallahassee, Florida where the top prospects are guys who go to kava bars every day and have never expressed a single human emotion.