Several Tallahassee Rental Properties Roll Out New S.A.T.A.N. Rent Payment Program
Halloween is just around the corner, as the first week of October kicks off. With the spooky season well underway in Tallahassee, some landlords have decided to take the scares up a notch this year. According to several reports, multiple Tallahassee rental properties have agreed to accept soul payments as a form of rent for the month of October. The Eggplant spoke with representatives Stan Devile, Jim Reaper, and Lucy Fern from the Luxe, Onyx, and Quantum to get more insight. Stan Devile, speaking on behalf of the conglomerate of organizations, had this to say: “ Look, the rental market is insane right now. We figured, why not make it easier on our tenants and offer them something they couldn't resist.” He said this with a grin so vile it made people who come in two minutes before your store closes seem like considerate beings. “Our new program, Serving Apartment Tenants And Neighbors (or S.A.T.A.N) is revolutionary, soul-baring, and for the people.”
When pressed on the possible ramifications of such an extreme deal, Mr. Devile said: “I mean, when you think about it, we’re putting ourselves at risk! We pay all this money on purchasing property and upkeep for it, we deserve to claim at least a few hundred souls. Besides, it's not like most of the tenants are using them! Honestly, Tallahassee of all cities is not the place to look into purchasing pure souls, so really we’re the ones getting the short end of the pitchfork here.” It was at this point during the interview that our field reporter, Cick Dheney, dropped a nickel and Mr. Devile started foaming at the mouth feverishly, chasing after it and doing a silly little dance. After he regained his composure, he was asked about what he (and the other rental properties) planned to do with the souls. “We’re going to invest some of them into some suburban developments in the 4th layer of Hell, and I know about some maintenance on the 6th layer that we’ve had on backorder for a few millennia ''.
Apparently, the decision to accept soul payments was one that came easy to the rental property owners. “We spent a total of two minutes deliberating, and if soul sales are successful this month we plan on generously extending it for the remainder of the year.” With such dire consequences on the line, The Eggplant reached out to several tenants over the phone. One tenant, whom we could not get to identify with a name, said this: “Greetings. I have all my thanks due to Mr. Devile for such a generous payment allowance. I am eternally indebted to him.” Another tenant, William Barley, who qualified for the soul payment plan but did not accept it, commented: “The fuck do I look like accepting some crazy ass shit like that? SELLING my SOUL?! To a man named Mr. Devile? I’d rather sit through a Fraternity ‘exec’ meeting than do some bullshit like that. No for real though, can someone tell me what they do in those?”
With greedy apartment corporations reaching out for anything they can get their grubby little mitts on, it’s a race to gather souls by Mr. Devile and company. There’s no telling what they’ll go for next. So far, analysts have been able to identify 146 poor souls who have given their souls in exchange for October's rent. If the program continues beyond October, the future may be grim for Tallahassee residents, but it is still too soon to tell.