Finishing up perhaps the largest clusterfuck of weekend activities, many Florida State students are treating today as a metaphorical crossing of the finish line to mark their successful completion of Parents’/Halloween Weekend. Unfortunately, the careful balance of family bonding and blacking out was not without flaw, and many students still finished up the weekend with a trick-or-treat bag full of regrets. Specifically, Amber. Because she definitely made out with your dad at The Strip.
“Arriving to The Strip on Friday night was like a scene from a parent-teacher conference with an open bar and no morals,” explained sexy firefighter, Amber Flannery. “It only took two rounds of Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty” before I was calling dibs on dads left and right. I didn’t even recognize the person I had become.”
Reports claim that your dad didn’t stand a chance and didn’t really care to. But what better way to rebound from a failed 20-year marriage than by doing a body shot off the girl in your son’s Calculus class? As your dad said before you made the conscious decision to take him to a college bar riddled with overcompensating freshman, “YOLO.”
“I think the moral of the story is that if you’re paying a mortgage and have a solid understanding of what a 401K is, you belong nowhere near The Strip,” concluded bouncer Ken Dorian after recounting the horrors he witnessed this weekend. “No parent should be subjected to what occurs here. This place is a cesspool of disappointment and underbutt that they don’t pay me enough to monitor.”