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The Eggplant
“I See Nothing Wrong With the Oscar Nominations This Year,” Says White Male
“I See Nothing Wrong With the Oscar Nominations This Year,” Says White Male

As awards season inches towards its annual grand finale, the Internet’s proverbial torches and pitchforks have been raised towards the recently announced Oscar nominations.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 23, 2020
Op-Ed: Stop Looking At Me
Op-Ed: Stop Looking At Me

I know what you’re doing. You’re standing there, no...sitting. And I’m standing because I’m stronger than you.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 21, 2020
Christian Girl Went Home with Your Crush (But They Just Sat on Her Bed and Talked)
Christian Girl Went Home with Your Crush (But They Just Sat on Her Bed and Talked)

There’s nothing like a house party on a Friday night with the gang. The same old friends week after week, drinking Natty Light in the same dimly lit backyard; it’s truly magical.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 13, 2020
Sliding Glass Door at Party Is Also Embarrassed You Walked Into It
Sliding Glass Door at Party Is Also Embarrassed You Walked Into It

What professors know as “syllabus week,” a.k.a. the first week of school where the class goes over just how late they can get away with turning their papers in, students see as an entire week filled with shitty iterations of the same FSU-mandated policies and pre-games from hell.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 9, 2020
How to Wear Your Rainbow Eyeshadow Palette in a God-Honoring Way
How to Wear Your Rainbow Eyeshadow Palette in a God-Honoring Way

Three days in and “sylly week XD” not treating you like you thought it would?

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 8, 2020
Cute! This Pair of Pants Has a Built-In Fat Pocket Made Just for You
Cute! This Pair of Pants Has a Built-In Fat Pocket Made Just for You

There’s nothing more exhilarating than going home for the holidays and watching the scale climb faster than that struggling GPA could ever dream of, making those resolutions feel absolutely farcical.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 7, 2020
Ex Somehow More Involved in Your Life Now Than They Were Last Semester
Ex Somehow More Involved in Your Life Now Than They Were Last Semester

It’s difficult to think back on what life was like while you two were together⁠ - a whopping 3.5 weeks ago.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 6, 2020
Beautiful Well-Rounded Woman Caught Dating Absolute Monster Man Once Again
Beautiful Well-Rounded Woman Caught Dating Absolute Monster Man Once Again

Cuffing season is well over and done with, leaving photos of girls with their hands on their significant others’ chests in its wake.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 13, 2019
Spotify Wrapped Shows Guy Listened to 35 Hours of Kacey Musgraves to “Prove He Respects Women”
Spotify Wrapped Shows Guy Listened to 35 Hours of Kacey Musgraves to “Prove He Respects Women”

The holiday season is the time for sharing. Some people share gifts, while others share notes of affection, but most importantly, some people share their Spotify Wrapped information for all 789 of their Instagram followers to see.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 10, 2019
Eggplant Horoscopes December 2019
Eggplant Horoscopes December 2019

The holiday season is in full swing, and that means that your qualified Astrological Defense Force at The Eggplant FSU is ready to offer some cosmic wisdom as you knock the year out.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 9, 2019
Die Hard, Batman Returns, and Other Movies Your Dad Will Harass the Family Into Watching on Christmas Day
Die Hard, Batman Returns, and Other Movies Your Dad Will Harass the Family Into Watching on Christmas Day

Everyone knows a person that will live, breath and die by the stance that “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie and should be respected as such.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 6, 2019
Myfitnesspal and 8 Other Toxic Apps to Cut out of Your Life Before the Year Ends
Myfitnesspal and 8 Other Toxic Apps to Cut out of Your Life Before the Year Ends

With exam season upon us, everything is quite literally going to shit.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 4, 2019
“I’m Not That Type of Guy!” Says That Type of Guy
“I’m Not That Type of Guy!” Says That Type of Guy

Every year a new guy will find a way to sneak his dirty little claws into an unsuspecting girlie’s heart.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 3, 2019
Younger Cousin Obviously Started Smoking Weed
Younger Cousin Obviously Started Smoking Weed

Just as you were getting settled into your aunt’s guest bedroom this past week for Thanksgiving break, there was a knock at the door.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 2, 2019
Stuffing an Eighth in the Turkey Guts Makes for a Happy Danksgiving
Stuffing an Eighth in the Turkey Guts Makes for a Happy Danksgiving

Ever since Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog renewed their vows and their cooking show, the holiday season has hit just a little harder.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 26, 2019
Local Woman Disappointed to Learn She Is "One of the Guys"
Local Woman Disappointed to Learn She Is "One of the Guys"

What’s better than this? Just a bunch of guys hanging out!

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 25, 2019
Student Accidentally Uploads Mugshot Instead of Headshot on LinkedIn
Student Accidentally Uploads Mugshot Instead of Headshot on LinkedIn

As social media has proliferated over the last decade, one platform has specifically attracted the attention of business majors, frat guys and gunners alike: LinkedIn.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 22, 2019
Freshman Wants Everyone to See That They’re Thankful for a Poorly-Drawn Dick on Residence Hall Bulletin Board
Freshman Wants Everyone to See That They’re Thankful for a Poorly-Drawn Dick on Residence Hall Bulletin Board

Just like five-year-olds, freshmen are unpredictable - trusting them alone with anything more dangerous than safety scissors is a public hazard.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 21, 2019
Fourth-Year Criminology Student Finally Puts Degree to Use by Committing Grand Larceny
Fourth-Year Criminology Student Finally Puts Degree to Use by Committing Grand Larceny

The fall semester is finally nearing her ugly end. For seniors, this means getting that much closer to being dumped on their lil’ butts into the “real world” with nothing but a piece of paper and crippling student debt at their sides.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 20, 2019
“This Weather Gave Me a Cold” Says Freshman Who Hasn’t Washed Sheets All Semester
“This Weather Gave Me a Cold” Says Freshman Who Hasn’t Washed Sheets All Semester

The average temperature has slowly dropped to what the rest of the country calls “fall,” and students are nearing the end of the 15-week hell that is the semester.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 18, 2019
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  • The Eggplant FSU
    I haven’t showered since last year😭
    Apr 5, 2023, 8:42 AM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    Investigation into where the fuck those red chairs on landis went
    Apr 2, 2023, 1:42 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    We are unbelievably upset by the accusations laid out in this totally real letter we received. We will continue to… https://t.co/rl1b2cYlY5
    Apr 1, 2023, 2:51 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    hey fools, happy april🤭
    Apr 1, 2023, 1:23 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    Damn, this class is keeping me late🤯🤯🤯 (it ends at 4:20)
    Mar 29, 2023, 4:19 PM
  • The Eggplant FSU
    If our song and mirrorball are gone, what do i have to look forward to for the tampa show, taylor???? (i don’t have tickets)
    Mar 29, 2023, 1:30 PM

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