How to Neutralize Your Karma
Neutralizing your karma is perfect for those who don’t want to reincarnate in the next life as a shitty little bug, but also don’t want to get tooo close to Nirvana and transcend the wheel of birth and death quite yet. In response to any action made, you must commit an act that is the exact karmic opposite of your initial action. Some examples have been included below:
If you black out and text your ex, you must pick up 10 pieces of litter.
If you send a classmate the homework answers, you are allowed to cyberbully an annoying person a little bit.
If you order something on Shein or Temu, mow your neighbor’s lawn and say ten Hail Marys.
Save someone from a burning building? You can buy a pack of single-use plastic water bottles, and you should probably say a slur too, for good measure.
Steal someone’s lunch money? Nominate the weird girl for prom queen.
Key a car? Help an old lady across the street and tip your doordasher 30%. (Note: keying a Tesla is karmically neutral.)
Flash someone on the street as a woman? Go ahead and skip class for the day. Flash someone on the street as a man? Spend a year volunteering at a soup kitchen.
If you plant a tree, you have to pee in a pool.
If you are mean to your mom, you have to donate blood.
Compliment someone’s haircut? Devote your existence to faithfully serving Gorath The Destroyer until the final dawn of time.
Hopefully these examples will help you stay karmically neutral, and don’t forget to smile!