Study Reveals if You Do Yoga on FSU’s Campus, You’re Factually a Better Person Than Everyone Else
If you’ve ever been up before 9 AM on a Sunday in Tallahassee, that says a lot of things about you. To me, it says you’re a loser, but to others, it may show that you enjoy the on-campus yoga that Tallahassee’s most athleisurely-clothed flock to. You might ask why someone would want to do something as corny and embarrassing in the middle of a sweaty ass studio or even just in front of the public, but it seems these wannabe yogis might actually be onto something. Florida State University’s top scholars just published new research proving that if you do yoga on FSU’s campus you’ll factually become a superior person in every sense of the word. You better be ready to invest in a kombucha fridge and some Lululemon.
The greatest minds in the world have sought answers for centuries as to why you’re just so much better than a normal person if you do yoga on a college campus. The Eggplant reached out to lead scientist Dr. Sai Ence, “We’ve been studying these people for years, and after attending enough on-campus yoga classes these people’s sweat actually has turned into rose water.” Eyewitness reports corroborate this research as multiple people were seen licking each other for some insane reason after a Landis yoga session. Many hypothesize this to be a part of a secret immortality ritual. It appears to many experts that the yoga taught by Tallahassee's weird middle-aged crystal shop workers has led to many developing supernatural powers, making them better than you because they can do things like literally levitate.
Is it to show off Shein workout sets? Are they gatekeeping even more secret benefits from society that scientists have yet to discover? Something isn’t right with these “yoga girlie” freaks and we need to get to the bottom of it. When a student who chose to stay anonymous responded, "Honestly my Instagram just needed some updated yoga pics, I have 50k followers and they need to know how much more in tune I am with my chakras than them.” The yoga girlies seem to be more socially relevant than the rest of us, shocker. For others, it seemed to completely cure their mid-semester Tally Flu, possibly stemming from the halloweekend frenzy. All it took for some, was one longggg lunge, and they were cured. Sounds like witchcraft isn’t off the table…though we spoke with many students, there are still a few gaps in these reported stories that we have yet to uncover.
If you’re looking for a definition of moral superiority nothing screams it more than wearing that Fabletics set while doing the splits. Who knew doing the downward dog out in front of a freshman dining hall would lead to so many health benefits? This lifestyle, although appealing, doesn’t seem to work for everyone. I tried a class to find out for myself, and all I got was a headache and weird pain in my lower back. Instead, consider following in the footsteps of many other students who typically say they find their peace by just being “really chill and smoking hella weed”.