Wifi Names in Student’s Apartment Read Like an Urban Dictionary Page
Now that we’ve already had two long weeks of Zoom University, it feels like we’ve seen it all-- classmates twerking into the camera, that one weird kid trying to have a seance while they’re unmuted and your professor having a mental breakdown over the futility of learning technology when they used to communicate exclusively through cuneiform. With parties, ragers and drunk nights at the Strip being a distant memory for some, FSU has become a school focused on education rather than partying for the first time in its history. With nowhere to act like the Tallanasty natives they are, people have had to get creative with letting some steam out: in this case, through their wifi names.
Bennet Thomas, an aspiring finance major and reigning winner of “loudest, proudest, and most likely to be the next Typhoid Mary resident of Catalyst” has gone on a crusade to make the wifi names of his apartment complex sound like an entire Frat’s group chat. When asked why he felt the need to name his wifi “CougarsCumHere” he stated: “Since Zoom school started, I’ve been trying to do stuff that makes me look simultaneously like an asshole and a twelve-year-old so my life would have some shred of normalcy. Like, last week I took the muscle car my parents got me and gunned it down Madison Street until it backfired so loud that everyone thought the College Town Jimmy John’s exploded. The vibes were insane until I got charged with vehicular manslaughter. My parents bailed me out again but punished me by changing the Netflix password for a week, so I’ve been coming up with hilarious wifi names to use every day. Wanna see ‘em?”
Not everyone finds Bennet’s tricks funny. Kinley Jacobs, lover of all things Jesus and abstinence, says his wifi names got her in trouble. “My mom came to visit for the long weekend, and I was so excited for her to come stay with me. I had just finished hanging up my most condescending bible verses and ‘live, laugh, love’ signs from Hobby Lobby, and I couldn’t wait to show off my room. My mom wanted to live stream church service, so I went to give her my wifi. I have the best wifi name, are you ready? It's WAP: Worship and Prayer. Get it? Well, mommy went to log on and she saw the most offensive name: Ma$$iveDick69. My mom wants me to transfer to Liberty University now; she says there are too many devil worshippers here.”
No matter how you are getting through Zoom College, just know that we love dirty jokes just as much as the next freak in your apartment. There’s not much that can spark joy when all you can do is stare at the undecorated white walls of your apartment for days on end, so a thank you to the absolute fools that get people to huff slightly under their breath at the sight of new dick joke themed wifi names. Just don’t forget to wear a mask, social distance, and stay home when you can! We’d rather you make dirty wifi names than spread the ‘rona.