Freshman Spotted Smiling Immediately Asked to Stop

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Before the stress of the semester floods in, non-STEM majors and club promoters alike love to market “syllabus week” as a time to get a jump-start on the fun and debauchery of undergraduate life at Florida State. However, freshman Lexie Mendez never much cared for being the life of the party, and she makes this clear to all the rulebreakers on her dorm floor as she wears her narc badge with pride. 🅱etween alerting her RA of the half empty can of Mike’s Hard in her suitemate’s mini-fridge and creating a Groupme for her entire baby bio class, Mendez was found smiling to herself for no fuckin’ reason, an action that has been simultaneously discouraged by her classmates, LLC cohorts and parents. When spotted looking like a damn clown, Mendez was immediately told by passersby to “stop that right now.”

But Mendez’s antics don’t stop there. “If everyone knew how much effort I put into keeping the internet fast, they’d be smiling as much as I do. I cross-reference the names attached to the printers on the wi-fi network with the names on doors in my residence hall and then I write mean messages on the offender’s door whiteboard until they take it off,” said the freshman, who’s currently a psychology major with a concentration in armchair diagnoses. “If I feel like going nuclear, I just send dozens of selfies of me smiling to their printer until they unplug it. I’ve sent FSU ITS a couple of invoices for all the work I’ve done, but I’ve yet to hear back.”

Breanna Carlton, Mendez’s roommate and an engineering major who already has bags under her eyes to rival that of a Ph.D student, has nearly caught onto the general spirit of college life. “Every morning, I forget our beds are bunked and I tumble onto the ground and break my legs. Every afternoon, I spend twenty minutes pressing down on the Lucky Goat Coffee™ airpot in that overpriced convenience store that used to be POD to get the last precious drops of Lucky Goat Coffee™ house blend and break my arms. And at night, I lie awake in agony until the Zzzquil overpowers the Adderall in my system and forces me into a deep, dark slumber for five and a half hours until I can do it again the next day. And the next day. And the next day….”

Despite her roommate’s pressure, Mendez and her smile show no sign of slowing down. “The first night of orientation, as I lay awake in bed looking through all of the admissions brochures, I saw lots of pictures of surprisingly diverse groups of friends, pallin’ around and smiling together, all while playing frisbee on the quad,” said Mendez, reminiscing on her spacious DeGraff dorm room which she had to herself within a few minutes of moving in after her orientation roommate inexplicably lied about having alcohol in order to get sent home. “I figured if I want to be as happy as them, I need to be exactly as rule-bound as my orientation leader was; after all, they smile literally all the time!”


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