With Parents’ Weekend looming in the near future, it is important to start preparing for the inevitable: your mom getting too drunk too fast at happy hour. Yes, it seems like the perfect opportunity to Snapchat your mom rapping to “Bodak Yellow” with your besties around her, but after two shots and a Hooter Brown, she’ll be rounding first base with the hot guy in your calculus class that you’ve been praying to find on Tinder. The epidemic began last weekend when parents came to town for the football game against Shmiami, and Bia Archila was the first to report the intergenerational fondling.
“Yeah, I thought it would be so fun to like pick out an outfit for my mom to wear with me to happy hour. I mean, there’s no way I would have let her follow me and my friends around all night unless she was also wearing a denim skirt and yellow tinted sunglasses,” Archila said while deleting every TBT post on her Instagram featuring her mother. “I know she’s my mom but it would have been worse if I let her walk into the scene looking like she shops at Baby Gap. Anyway, if I knew she would get too drunk by six and allow herself to be groped by Matthew Zucumber I would’ve had her just stay in her hotel room for the rest of the night.”
When questioned about his motivation behind tongue wrestling Archila’s mom, Matthew explained, “I mean, Bia’s cool. But I’ve never been with someone over 23 before, so obviously I’m going to hook up with her mom.”
If you or a loved one find that your mother also can’t handle her alcohol, follow these tips for an effective recovery:
Post an old picture of you and your mom on Instagram where she looks horrible
Accept that you just don’t deserve love
Threaten to stop filing taxes as a dependent
Flirt with your dad to induce jealousy and establish dominance
Scrutinize all of your mom’s Facebook pictures because you’re way prettier anyway and Matthew doesn’t even deserve you
Look deeply into the eyes of a picture of Oprah Winfrey to remind you of your strength
Remind Mom of how she felt when Grandma tongued her prom date
Remember to keep your moms at a two glass maximum and if she gets too sloppy, you can always shove her in an Uber so at least one of you can have a good night.