Eager Freshman Unaware He’s About to be “That Guy” in Baby Bio Class

Freshman Durg Malloy just wanted to learn. When he woke up at 7:00 AM on Wednesday to get ready for Baby Bio, he was excited to learn what high school freshman across the state were also learning. Later, at around 8:45 AM, Durg somehow combined an inquiry about mitochondria (the powerhouse of the cell) with a humble brag, personal anecdote and veiled #bluelivesmatter rhetoric. Needless to say, widespread cringing and eye-rolling followed his outburst.

“I barely even got out of bed for this class today,” lamented Alex Rorg, a freshman from “SoFla” who probably sucks. “And it’s rough for me to have such an unbridled hatred for a classmate so early in the day. There I was, trying to learn about the powerhouse of the cell, and all of a sudden I hear Durg ask rhetorically, ‘What about black on black crime, though?’”

“Frankly, I’m a little jealous,” admitted Toots Whelan, an ambitious freshman who is already “that guy” in his other three classes. “There were a lot of people paying attention to his comments about how Black Lives Matter has good intentions but just isn’t protesting ‘the right way,’ and to be honest I would have much preferred they pay attention to my rephrasing of what the teacher literally just said into a question.”

“Yeah, I just did not go to class,” said an amorphous blob representing a large majority of the freshmen enrolled in Baby Bio. “I’m also not going to go for the rest of the semester. It’s early and there’s people there and I’m scared of new people because I hate myself.”

The Eggplant FSU