Op-Ed: I Used To Dream of Skinning Elderly People and Boiling Babies… Until I Watched ‘Ted Lasso’

I love Ted Lasso. It made me a good person. I am who I am because of Coach Lasso. Before Ted, I was a wicked, wicked man. 

I love Ted Lasso. It made me a good person. I am who I am because of Coach Lasso. Before Ted, I was a wicked, wicked man. 

I love Ted Lasso. It made me a good person. I am who I am because of Coach Lasso. Before Ted, I was a wicked, wicked man. 

I used to have an elderly neighbor in my apartment complex, a widower, I think. Chris was his name, and each morning, I would walk by this aging fellow, and these sweet, sweet, delicious thoughts would circulate through my mind. I thought of bashing his wrinkled little face in and skinning him alive. Unfortunately, he died of old age a couple of weeks ago.

And don’t even get me started on my nephew; I just wanted to put his little toddler head in the microwave and boil him. I came close to doing it, but my stupid fat bitch sister thought it “wasn't funny” or whatever. 

But all this changed exactly four months ago. My idiot father forgot to renew his Netflix, so I had to watch something on Apple TV, and lo and behold: Ted Lasso with his arms wide open just waiting to embrace me, so that I might get a whiff of his divine mustache. It was holy, it was sacred; I was like the Prophet Moses before the burning bush. I washed off my evil thoughts, I was born anew, I was born anew, I was born anew, I was born anew. 

Nowadays, I am kind like Keeley, strong like Rebecca, loving like Lelsie, unapologetic like Roy, and empathetic like Ted.